Six Rules for Eating Dim Sum Like a Pro

A New Yorker going to Hong Kong for an authentic dim sum experience may walk away a little deflated: Largely gone are the traditional carts, loaded with delicately flavored bite-size dishes, that diners flag down as they pass by in many U.S. eateries. In the home of the cuisine, they’ve largely been relegated to history and replaced with à la carte menus.

What you’re guaranteed to see in both cities, however, are such traditional dishes as steamed buns stuffed with sticky-sweet pork, xiao long bao dumplings filled with scalding soup, and chewy chicken feet that will test the carnivorous mettle of the more timid meat-eaters. Sweet sits alongside savory, often in the same bite-size dish, washed down with plenty of jasmine tea.

Chef Chan Yan Tak
Photographer: Paul Yeung/Bloomberg

The methods of presentation are changing, but the rules governing how you eat dim sum remain the same everywhere. We asked the world’s first Chinese cook to earn three Michelin Stars, Executive Chef Chan Yan Tak of Hong Kong’s Lung King Heen restaurant at the Four Seasons on what to do—and more importantly, what to avoid.

Nibble, don’t gobble

“It’s better to take small bites rather than eat a whole piece of dim sum in one gulp. The flavors are enjoyed more when consumed slowly. With xiao long bao [delicate pork dumplings filled with a piping-hot broth], pick them up just a bit below the very tip, where the dumpling skin folds together. It’s best to take small bites and let the dumpling cool a bit between bites. Foreigners will often eat them in one bite and burn their mouths that way. The soup can be really hot.”

Go easy on the soy sauce

“Most kitchens prepare their dim sum seasoned, so you shouldn’t need extra, but it depends on how you like your food. Some like it saltier or spicier. Otherwise, dim sum should be well-seasoned on their own. I prefer to go light. I guess foreigners prefer stronger flavors. What they consider to be well-seasoned probably would be too salty or rich for our tastes. And what we like they probably think is too bland. The same goes for sweets. Some of our customers prefer their desserts to have less sugar.”

Xiao long bao.  
Photographer: Paul Yeung/Bloomberg

The spoon can be used for more than broth

“It’s best to use your spoon to give better support—lay the bone on the spoon and maneuver with your chopsticks. Bite off the meatier parts first and eat your way around the bone. Afterward, you can dispose of the bone on your plate. Fine dining restaurants will help you change plates after each course. If you dine in a dai pai dong [a traditional Hong Kong food stall], there’s really no etiquette. You can use your hands to eat and place the bone directly on the tablecloth. Just enjoy the food.”

Keep your chopsticks to yourself

“Don’t serve others with your chopsticks. It’s just as simple as this—some people might not want to share your saliva. You can always ask for another set for passing food to others. And don’t play with your chopsticks—don’t tap your teeth or poke inside your mouth with them. It’s fine to ask for a fork. Even some of the younger kitchen hands we have here can’t use chopsticks properly. We sometimes half-joke that we’ll need to test our new hires’ chopsticks skills.”

How you handle your chopsticks matters when having dim sum
Photographer: Paul Yeung/Bloomberg

Learn the secret codes

“When you want to say thank you, tap your index finger and your middle finger together on the table twice. That represents a bow. And if you run out of tea or hot water for your table, move the teapot lid aside and the waiter will come and give you a refill.”

Don’t over order. You can keep going back for more

“There’s no recommendation for how much you should order, just order as many dishes as it takes to satisfy you and keep ordering until you’re full. And don’t ask for a doggy bag. It makes a big difference when you steam dim sum for one minute more or one minute less. You should eat them hot. Their flavors will totally change if you warm them by microwave at home.”

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    Nobody Would Have Been Surprised If I Had Died

    It starts somewhere. It starts in the home. I know what a mass shooter can look like.

    First time I saw him, I was 13. The sun wasn’t even up yet and I was wearing my track uniform. I poured myself a bowl of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, turned and there he was, sitting at the round pale-blue Formica table reading the newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee.

    He was a large man. Wavy hair and beard intertwined with strands of black and white. Blue-blue eyes. A department store Santa. He smiled at me. Introduced himself. I was late for practice. So I told him to wash his dishes before he left.

    My mother met him the night before. The bowling alley was the place-to-be in our small town, with a crowded bar, nightly bowling leagues, giant trophies and a video game arcade. Normally we went with her, gorging on pizza and Dr. Pepper, but my youngest sister was sick. So my mom went alone, met him and brought him home.

    She’d been looking for a man for a while. She was a mother with three little girls. She did not have a job. That was a lot to take on for anyone. Her second marriage had ended a year earlier. He started sleeping in her bedroom every night after they met. A few weeks later, I woke up to find them both gone. It was Christmas Eve morning. She’d left a note. They had gone to Vegas, a four-hour drive. Watch your two younger sisters, please. They’d be back that night.

    I wasn’t mad. I was hopeful. She was lonely, she was drinking more and the laundry was piling up in the garage. He lifted her up, easily, and swung her around the room, happily, and he bought all three of us brand new bicycles. I wanted it to work out for her this time. We all did.

    I woke up before dawn on Christmas morning and they still hadn’t come home. The Christmas tree was decorated and the red and green lights were blinking expectantly, but the cookies and milk were untouched. I ate the cookies, drank the milk, and then stole her money from the cigar box.

    I rode my new banana seat bike that he bought me in the dark to the 7-Eleven on Grand Avenue, where I bought presents on behalf of Santa. I bought records for my two sisters. The 45’s of I Think I Love You by The Partridge Family and I Don’t Like Spiders and Snakes by Jim Stafford. The three of us had a band called “Wonder.” I played the drums on the back of a set of silver pots, while they played the tambourine and maracas. Our mother was best and only audience. At the store, I bought as much candy, soapy bubbles and plastic toys as I could afford. Then, I bought one more thing. A gift for my mother. The .45 record of You and Me Against the World by Helen Reddy.

    “When all the others turn their backs and walk away

    You can count on me to stay…”

    I wanted her to know I would stay.

    “And when one of us is gone

    And one of us is left to carry on

    Remembering will have to do…”

    I wanted her to know I would remember her.

    I rode my bike home as the sun rose. I wrapped the Christmas presents and put them under the tree. I quickly made pancakes, which my mother had always done for us on Christmas morning. My sisters woke up shortly after and opened their gifts. If they were disappointed in the small bounty, they didn’t say. We got out the silver pots, played the records and sang the songs. It was a happy Christmas morning. The only thing missing was our audience.

    My mother called hours later. They were driving back from Vegas. Would I find a restaurant open for Christmas dinner? Scouring the Yellow Pages, I made a reservation at a Chinese restaurant in the next town, and it was there my mother showed us her diamond ring and told us they were getting married. From that day forward, he lived with us. The changes happened rather fast.

    I never liked meat. Even as a very small child, my mother told me I would spit out beef. For dinner, my mother made meatloaf, his favorite. She gave me the side dishes: mashed potatoes, green beans, macaroni and cheese. He insisted I eat the meatloaf. I wouldn’t. My mother defended me. But he was the man of the house now. I could not leave the kitchen table until I ate the meatloaf. My mother shook me awake the next morning. I had fallen asleep. She had a black eye. I never saw him hit her. But I didn’t have to eat the meatloaf.

    He bought her a red Lotus, an expensive sports car with a stick shift. Then, they took another trip to Vegas and left us alone. I stole my mother’s car keys and drove my sisters to school in the brand new Lotus. I taught myself how to drive her stick shift, but not very well, because I hit a tree in the school parking lot. Students stared. Teachers stared. The car was towed.

    I was 14 and didn’t have a driver’s license. They called my mother in Vegas. She returned with a black eye, a split lip and a badly bruised arm hanging limply by her side. He walked right past me into the house without saying a word. She looked right at me and said, quietly, “I took it for you.”

    It was my fault I wrecked the car. It was my fault he beat her.

    My mother started drinking more. He started drinking more. The fights happened more. A passion play and we were the audience. Parenting became an afterthought. When the food in the house ran out, my sisters and I would take a taxi and my mother’s checkbook to the grocery store. We’d load up the shopping cart and not with very good choices. In front of the cashier, I’d carefully fill out the dollar amount on the check, and then forge my mother’s signature. It was a small town.

    Everybody knew why. But nobody said a thing.

    What we allow will continue. What continues will escalate.

    Life became a routine. When the fighting started downstairs, my younger sisters left their bedrooms and showed up in mine. The record player went on. The record collection grew. I learned which chair to wedge under the doorknob to keep my bedroom door shut. I learned which concealer worked best to hide her bruises the next morning. Sometimes, the ambulance would come. Sometimes, she’d wear dark sunglasses, a loose sweatshirt and a big floppy hat when she walked the dogs.

    Everybody knew. But nobody said a thing.

    What we allow will continue. What continues will escalate.

    There were moments of hope. Because nobody is angry and violent all day, every day. They just have to be angry and violent one day. My mother would wake us up in the middle of the night, and tell us to pack a suitcase. We’d hole up in a hotel. We were underworld spies, prisoners from a jailbreak. We’d order food, watch Charlie’s Angels, hope to never to be found. But we were never really lost, because a day or two later, he’d knock on the hotel door, carrying flowers. And it was over. Because who doesn’t want to go to Disneyland? Who doesn’t want to be the first house on the block to have a swimming pool?

    My mother hated guns, so there were no guns in our house. I slept with a butcher knife under my pillow. I used it once. I was 16. The fighting downstairs stopped, abruptly, in the middle of my mother’s scream. I called 911 and then I crept downstairs. He was hunched over her body. She was on the floor in a pool of her own blood. I put the knife to the back of his neck to stop him from killing my mother. The ambulance came and took her away. The police came and took him away. We snuck into a next door neighbor’s backyard and slept on their lawn furniture. We woke up with blankets. Of course, they knew.

    Everybody knew. But nobody said a thing.

    What we allow will continue. What continues will escalate.

    Weeks later, I was called out of my high school English class. My mother was at the school and wanted to talk to me. It was Halloween. I was a vampire, my long black cape flapping in the wind. She, newly released from the hospital, looked like a mummy, with her hollow eyes, her head shaved and her 32 stitches wrapped in white bandages. School was in session, so we were alone. She’d paid his bail. He was sorry. He was waiting at the house. Would I give him another chance, please?

    My mother came to my school, begging me not to break up with her.

    “When all the others turn their backs and walk away

    You can count on me to stay…”

    I broke my own heart when I did not come home from school that day. My mother could “take it” for me, but I couldn’t “take it” anymore. My middle sister, 13, ran away. Our father, remarried with two new small children, put her into a boarding school. My youngest sister, who had a different father from my mother’s second marriage, was only 6, so she cried herself to sleep at night. Our family was torn apart. So they moved to a new house on the outskirts of our small town on a secluded dirt road.

    Last time I saw him, I was 16. When I pulled up to the new house to get my things, he stepped outside to meet me. The beard was gone. He’d lost weight. He was calm. He held a shotgun in his hand. It was pointed down, non-threatening. There was finality in the moment. I was leaving home for good. There was finality in the presence of a weapon. If I was willing to use a knife, he was willing to use a gun.

    My sister was still in that house. My mother was still in that house.

    Everybody knew.

    Neighbors, coaches, grocery store cashiers, elementary, junior and high school teachers, school principals, classmates. Her parents knew, my father knew.

    Everybody knew. Nobody said a thing.

    What we allow will continue. What continues will escalate.

    I never saw my stepfather again. There is no big turning point moment here, where I confronted him about the abuse. Where I asked him, point blank, why did you beat my mother? Where I told him, point blank, the pain he caused my sisters and me could be forgiven, but it could never be undone. My mother left him a few years later. She died a few years after that.

    My stepfather did not murder my mother. My stepfather did not murder me.

    But had my stepfather picked up a gun and killed us all, nobody would have been surprised. He was a violent guy, they’d tell the news cameras. Everybody knew that.

    But nobody got involved. Because we somehow believe that we are safe from a guy who “only” beats his wife. We’re not a member of that family, so it doesn’t really affect us.

    Had my stepfather picked up a semi-automatic weapon and killed scores of strangers in a public place, nobody would have been surprised by that either. He was a violent guy, they’d tell the news cameras. Everybody knew that.

    But now everybody’s involved. Because innocent people have been killed in a church, in a nightclub, at a concert or a cafe, and in an elementary school.

    Domestic violence no longer lives inside that one house on the block. Domestic violence lives in the public now.

    According to Everytown for Gun Safety, the majority of all mass shooters in the United States killed an intimate partner or family member during the massacre or had a history of domestic violence.

    Somebody out there, right now, knows the next big mass shooter. Somebody out there is getting blamed, screamed at, beaten up.

    Somebody out there wants to believe that he’s sorry, that he’s changed and that love means giving him a second chance. Even if that second chance means giving him another bullet because he missed the first time.

    Somebody out there, right now, needs our help.

    Once, you could feel sorry for the three little girls from the violent home forging a check at the grocery store. Once, you could smile softly, avert your eyes and do nothing. Not anymore.

    The facts show that domestic violence is a very clear warning sign that people outside of the family might also be hurt in the future.

    Violent men don’t just drop out of the sky with guns and start shooting up people in public places. There are warning signs.

    Abused women and children are the canary in the coal mine.

    It starts somewhere. It starts in the home.

    Nobody would have been surprised if I had died.

    “And when one of us is gone

    And one of us is left to carry on

    Then remembering will have to do

    Our memories alone will get us through

    Think about the days of me and you

    Of you and me against the world

    I love you, Mommy

    I love you, baby…”

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    These Are The Super Romantic Gestures Each Zodiac Sign Can’t Get Enough Of

    There are dozens and dozens of romantic things to do for your partner, but how well your romantic gesture will be received depends on whether they are a fire, earth, air, or water sign. Looking for a general rule of thumb? Fire signs love anything over the top or celebratory. Get their passionate blood pumping and stimulate their bodies and imagination by engaging in physical activities. Earth signs have a big appetite, physically and materially. Anything connected to the hearth or home will go a long way with Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn. As for air signs, they crave intellectual and social stimulation. If in doubt, do something weird with them. Air signs adore communication and are always looking for a bizarre story to tell.

    Finally, water signs have a lot of depth and seek out partnerships that are willing to plunge into their emotions. Any form of tender care will go a long way with Cancers and Pisces. Scorpio is a bit of an enigmatic sign, and can be tough to woo. But if you let them read between the lines you’ll activate their obsessive attraction. Once a Scorpio is fixated on their love interest, they’ll never let go.

    Here’s what to do to romance each astrological sign.

    Aries (March 21 To April 10): Learn How To Skateboard


    Aries is the daredevil of the zodiac. They love anything physical and, honestly, love to show off. Chances are, you’ve already seen this side of your partner on an early date. They probably took you hiking or raced you up and down the street. If you pick up a risky habit for your Aries, they’ll think you’re the hottest thing ever. Doing an ollie in front of an Aries is basically the equivalent of sweeping them off their feet.

    Taurus (April 21 To May 21): Cook Them Dinner


    Taurus’ hearts actually live in their stomach. They adore being nurtured and fed. A romantic, homemade meal in the comfort of your home is just the ticket for getting them to fall further in love with you. If you’re not much of a chef, either spring for the fancy restaurant or ask them to help you out in the kitchen. Most Tauruses are really good cooks themselves and love collaborating.

    Gemini (May 21 To June 21): Call Them Just To Say Hi


    Gemini is the chattiest sign of the zodiac. They’re always down to talk and will be touched when you call them up. Just don’t expect that you’ll actually get a word in edgewise with them. Geminis are much better talkers than they are listeners and will probably trample over you with their own subject of conversation, rather than giving you space to talk.

    Cancer (June 21 To July 22): Tea And Sympathy


    For all of their emotions, Cancers are simple creatures at heart. They just like to feel cared for and tended to while they process their feelings. These true mommy figures of the zodiac will love cuddling up with you under a warm blanket with a mug of their favorite tea. They are especially prone to sensitive stomachs, so something herbal that aids in digestion will really make your Cancer lover feel loved.

    Leo (July 23 To August 22): Get Them A Stripper Pole


    If there’s one thing a Leo likes, it’s showing off. That’s why this fixed fire sign is also the zodiac personality that’s most likely to have mirrors hanging on the ceiling over their bed. Placing a stripper pole right in the middle of their bedroom might be crossing a boundary with any other sign, but Leo will see it as a fun, sexy opportunity to get more of the spotlight, while also trying out a new skill. Who knows? You might even get them into a new career path.

    Virgo (August 23 To September 22): Help Them Hang A Shelf


    Virgo adores cleanliness and organization. This is the only sign in the zodiac who actually dusts the blades of their ceiling fan. If you can help a Virgo get their home in order, you’ll basically be their knight in shining armor. Offer to drive them to the Container Store, or organize their entire bookshelf alphabetically. Your Virgo will swoon.

    Libra (September 23 To October 22): Write Them A Poem


    As an air sign that is also super relationship-oriented, Libra loves when you tell them how you truly feel. They’re also a sign that’s all about balance, which means they won’t judge you for writing even the corniest love poem. Libra loves making grand romantic overtures and sees the charm in even the most common expressions of tenderness. So if you’ve got a case of writer’s block, you can always buy a Libra roses instead.

    Scorpio (October 23 To November 22): Send A Love Letter They Have To Decode


    Scorpio needs to have some things left to the imagination. Contrary to Libra, they get turned off by grand romantic overtures and may skitter away from affectionate declarations. Scorpios need to come to you, but you can still tell them how you feel. Just give them plenty of space and an opportunity to do some deciphering. This elusive water sign loves a good mystery.

    Sagittarius (November 23 To December 21): Plan A Romantic Getaway


    Sagittarius needs to feel free, and getting them outside of their routine is an absolutely essential part of their relationship. If a Sagittarius gets too settled, they’ll stagnate. Plan an impromptu weekend trip for no reason at all. Start researching getaways you can take during your next vacation. Sagittarius not only loves traveling, but adores having something to look forward to. Go ahead and give them a sneak peek.

    Capricorn (December 22 To January 19): Do Their Taxes For Them


    My Venus, the planet of love and relationships, is in Capricorn, so I can definitively say that this romantic gesture is not a roast on Capricorns by any means. We get easily stressed out about money, finances, and anything pertaining to scarcity and debt. Freeing us from having to think about our taxes for a whole year is a romantic gesture on par with Jack saving Rose’s life at the end of the .

    Aquarius (January 20 To February 18): Don’t Talk To Them For Four Days


    Aquarius loves when someone is as aloof to them as they are to others. If you go four days without talking to your Aquarius, they will probably entertain the thought of breaking up with you at least once. But they won’t. This thought process is merely how an Aquarius manages to be in a relationship, while also staying true to their oh-so-eccentric selves. When you do get back in touch with Aquarius after four days of silence, just tell them that you went camping or something. They’ll completely fall in love with you but will never let you know.

    Pisces (February 19 To March 20): Give Them A Foot Rub


    Watery Pisces has to navigate some turbulent seas, and they feel it all in their feet. The feet are actually the number one erogenous zone for Pisces, and a foot rub will basically make them so relaxed, they’ll drool. Put on some ambient tunes and light some candles if you really want your Pisces to feel totally loved and seduced. And here’s a pro-tip: This wateriest of water signs feels most at home in the bathtub.

    Check out the entire Gen Why series and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV.

    Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!

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    USA Today editorial board brings the absolute fire in scorching op-ed against Trump


    Every day in the Trump presidency has seen a different societal norm shattered and a new low reached, but the president’s tweet about Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-N.Y.) yesterday was perhaps rock bottom (of course, until the next thing).


    Coming on the heels of another tweet denying that he’d met his sexual assault accusers, Trump’s words were interpreted as implying the senator would trade sex for money. And although Trump’s press secretary denied the implication was anything sexual, USA Today‘s editorial board dismissed Sanders’ claim and tore into the president in one of the more fierce opinion articles you’ll ever read.

    This isn’t about the policy differences we have with all presidents or our disappointment in some of their decisions. Obama and Bush both failed in many ways. They broke promises and told untruths, but the basic decency of each man was never in doubt.

    Donald Trump, the man, on the other hand, is uniquely awful. His sickening behavior is corrosive to the enterprise of a shared governance based on common values and the consent of the governed.

    Then they went for the kill shot.

    With his latest tweet, clearly implying that a United States senator would trade sexual favors for campaign cash, President Trump has shown he is not fit for office. Rock bottom is no impediment for a president who can always find room for a new low.

    A president who would all but call Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand a whore is not fit to clean the toilets in the Barack Obama Presidential Library or to shine the shoes of George W. Bush.


    Hot. Dang. You can read the entire op-ed here.

    Editor’s note: The headline of this article has been updated for clarity. 

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    Doctors Are Sharing Their Stupidest And Funniest Patient Stories, And Its Hilarious

    Nobody really likes going to the doctors do they? I mean, that antiseptic smell, the silence of the waiting room except for the odd groan and sniffle, and don’t get me started on those magazines.

    However as far as the potential for awkward situations go, going to the doc’s can be comedy gold. From hilariously misinformed (read: dumb) patients, to doctors with a wickedly dry sense of humour, we at Bored Panda have compiled a list of occasions when doctor/patient interactions were just too funny.

    Scroll down to check them out below, and don’t forget to vote for your favorite!

    As I leaned in to check her eyes, my older patient got a little frisky.
    “You remind me of my third husband,” she said coyly.
    “Third husband?” I asked. “How many have you had?”

    “Here,” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen container. “The bathroom’s over there.” A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.
    “Thanks,” he says, returning the empty container. “But there was a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”

    My patient announced she had good news … and bad. “The medicine for my earache worked,” she said.
    “What’s the bad news?” I asked.
    “It tasted awful.”
    Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her they’re called eardrops for a reason.

    When I went to the ER to have a painful ingrown toenail removed, I was sobbing, gagging, petrified … the works. But my doctor knew how to calm me down.
    “Don’t worry about a thing,” he assured me. “I just looked up how to perform this operation on YouTube.”

    Scene: The operating room. I’m reviewing the surgical checklist with the nurses.
    Me: We have the surgical equipment, the heart-lung machine, antibiotics, and the replacement heart valve on hand.
    Patient: You wait until now to figure this stuff out?

    Patient: Doctor, I slipped in the grocery store and really hurt myself.
    Me: Where did you get hurt?
    Patient: Aisle six.

    I gave my patient the results of her sleep study: “It looks like you stopped breathing in your sleep over 65 times per hour.”
    Her response: “Did I start back?”

    During surgery, my fellow resident bumped heads with the surgeon.
    “Ah, Dr Jones, a meeting of the minds,” he said, laughing it off.
    The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And I felt so alone.”

    I was coming to just as my doctor was finishing my colonoscopy. Feeling some pressure “back there”, I reached down and patted the doctor on the head.
    “It’s OK, Yehudi,” I said. “Just go back to sleep.”
    Yehudi is the name of my dog.

    The day after I had surgery on my leg, a nurse came into my hospital room with a box in her hand. “Are you ready for this?”
    “What is it?” I asked.
    “Fleet enema. Didn’t your doctor tell you about it?”
    She rechecked the orders. “Whoa! It said feet elevated!”

    I took my puppy to the vet bc she had these weird bumps on her belly. As I was waiting in the exam room I suddenly realized they were her nipples. When the vet came in I sheepishly told him that I am a complete idiot. He was awesome. He said, “Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to open this door and you’re just going to walk out. Don’t stop at the front desk to check out or pay, just keep walking.”. In my defense…no. There’s no defense.

    My husband’s new “unbreakable†titanium eyeglasses broke. When he brought the many pieces back to the optometrist to have the glasses replaced, the assistant asked what had happened.
    “They fell under the lawn mower,†he explained.
    “Oh,†she said, nodding. “Were you wearing them at the time?â€

    A gentleman calls our office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for, and we talk at length about the procedure.
    Patient: I’m sorry to have so many questions.
    Me: Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.
    Patient: Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very helpful.

    Call it … carma! A car belonging to a pregnant patient was broken into. The only thing that was stolen was a wine bottle in a brown paper bag. It turns out, that’s where she was keeping her urine sample, which she’d brought in to be tested.

    The doctor explained to his patient that she suffered from inflammation of the cervix. Concerned, she demanded that he test her husband for it too.
    The doctor assured her, “I’m positive your husband does not have cervicitis.â€
    She shot back, “How do you know? You haven’t examined him yet.â€

    I had an 8 year old kid in the OR say “You mother fu*kers!” right before she fell asleep.

    I’m an anesthesia student currently doing my clinical rotations and I had an old guy wake up and the first thing he asked was “do I still have my balls?” and I told him “yep, both of them” and he said “both? Aw you guys are great”

    I once had a patient tell me he needed his decapitation medicine because he was feeling full of shit. I had to think about it for a minute then I realized he was asking for his constipation medication.

    “I have the Ebola”. “Sir, you actually had a heart attack.” “Because of the Ebola”

    Emergency surgeon here
    Got called 2 a.m. because a patient demanded to see me because “her daughters farts smelled too bad”
    Kept a straight face.

    My mom’s an ER nurse and she said once some crazy lady came in and complained hat she had the whooping cough. And whenever she coughed she followed it with a loud “woooOOOP!”

    There was a guy who came to the ER because his iPhone app told him his sleep was poor quality.

    When I bad a colonoscopy, my GI doctor said I said, “wow, now I know what a Muppet feels like!” He had to stop a minute to regain his composure.

    It was 3am and I’d been on duty in the Emergency since 8am. I was exhausted. A well dressed man came in with his 8 year old, healthy looking, son. I asked him what was the problem. He said, “Well, I was at a wedding and it occurred to me that my son is a little short. Can you give him something right now to make him taller?”

    Me coming out of anesthesia: “Man, you’re handsome.” (To Asian doctor.) He paused a second, then thanked me.

    I woke up from anesthesia and asked the nurse what mascara she was wearing.

    When I came out from having my wisdom teeth pulled I apparently shot up, looked at the doctor and said “Charlatan! I demand you return my teeth! They are mine and I will choose where they are to be spent!” My dad said he couldn’t stop laughing because I wouldn’t leave without them. When I woke up at home I asked my dad why my teeth were in a plastic bag on the table, he told me everything and promptly started calling me Lord Molar for the rest of the night.

    Answered the bed alarm for a 90 year old this evening.
    Nurse: “Where are you going?”
    Patient: “I have to go.”
    Nurse: “Where?”
    Patient: “Well I don’t wanna be here.”
    Me too, lady. Me too.

    I asked a female patient with dementia what year it is. She said, “Oh, my, no, that’s far too personal to discuss in polite company. A nice young lady like you shouldn’t be concerned with such things.”
    I didn’t bother pointing out that I’m not a lady. I figured if she didn’t notice the beard, then she wasn’t going to understand an explanation either.

    One of my 5 patients tonight keeps yelling maybe once every 2 minutes, going “OWWWWWW!!!” as if she’s looking at a handsome man. I’ve asked her several times why she’s yelling (waiting to see if she’s in any pain) and her answers range from “I didn’t know I was yelling,” to “It’s a habit.”

    Went about an anal problem. The doctor put his finger up to check all was ok, I made a slight noise and he asked if I was ok. And this is when I said “That’s nice”, instead of “That’s ok”.

    Was at a urologist in a hospital and there were a couple of power cuts. Lights dipped out, generators kicked in.
    As he’s finishing the examination, mid-sentence, the lights go out again. He gets up and walks out to check on things.
    Fifteen minutes later I’m still sat on the bed with my old chap out and pants around my ankles. A nurse walks past the open door and does one of those comedy double-takes.
    “….do you…do you have an appointment?”
    Turns out the doc had actually finished the examination, and returned to the ward some 15 minutes ago. To the nurse I was just some guy who had walked in and pulled his pants down and left the door open.

    During a yearly check-up the doc was concerned about my weight. I promised him I’d do better and next year I would be back down to a healthy weight.
    Maybe a week or so later my doc saw me at a local pub with a plate of hot wings in front of me and a pint of beer. He was a bro and didn’t say anything but I could see the look of disappointment in his eyes.

    The stupidest thing I’ve been to the doctor for: I took my young son in because he had a very regular rash on his lower back. It wasn’t until I was in the doctor’s office that I noticed that it had exactly the same pattern as the inlet cover on our jacuzzi. Which he had just been bathing in.

    Not a doctor but I was a Nurse’s assistant and a kitchen staff member came in and said “Help, I ate raw corn”. Apparently the cook had convinced him that eating raw corn was poisonous or something. I had a good laugh about it.

    I hope I’m not too late. I have a friend that works in a doctors office in Amish Country in Pennsylvania. They had an Amish couple come in, saying that the wife couldn’t get pregnant. They ran a couple tests, and everything was coming up normal. So then they gave him a cup and asked him for a semen sample. He came back with it full of his piss. He had been pissing in his wife, thinking that is how you impregnate someone.

    Ran to the dermatologist because of a spot on my butt that I thought might be cancerous. Doc looked me in the eye and said “Phil330, that’s a pimple”.

    Not a doctor, but I WAS a corpsman in the Navy. I had a Marine come in because he swallowed a rock. “Why,” I asked, puzzled, “would you swallow a rock?”
    “I was hungry.”

    I’ve had a few patients freak out because webMD told them that their rash was Stevens-Johnson syndrome.
    Actual diagnosis: contact dermatitis from new laundry soap.

    Nurse here, I work in Anaesthetics and it drives me mad the amount of patients that want to have allergies, e.g, antibiotics give them the trots, er no that’s a side effect. Anyway the anaesthetist comes into the anaesthetic room morning and asks me not to ask the patient about allergies, I’m puzzled at this and ask her why, the patient was allergic to oxygen. Yes, oxygen. She was a fun patient.

    Paramedic here. Was driving with my partner and patient in the back. Patient was fine. Patient’s skeezy boyfriend was riding in the front with me and apparently saw a golden opportunity to ask a question that had obviously been on his mind for some time.
    Him: So when cats and dogs eat grass, that means they have cancer, right?
    Me: Ummm. No. No it does not.
    Made for an awkwardly silent ride the rest of the way.

    While in dental school my friend pulled out several bombed out (technical term) teeth on a adult male. After the procedure was finished and post-op instructions we given, the man asked, “So when should I expect my new teeth to grow in?” He was serious.

    As a veterinarian, I had a 10 minute conversation with an owner explaining which side was the dog’s left side.

    My fiance is an X-ray tech. He gets weird cases all the time. He had to do a head CT on someone who came into the ER because she took two marijuana tablets and wondered why her head was foggy and she felt slow moving… Face palm.

    I dated a Med student who had no idea how girls used tampons.. He thought you “laid them sideways” along the opening to the vagina. I was rather suprised by this one..

    Not a doctor, but I’m a former Special Forces medic and I treated indigenous populations in Iraq, Afghanistan and several other Middle Eastern countries. Some of the patients and their families asked incredible things of me, such as putting brains back inside after an explosion took half the head off, but I have never been as incredulous as when I had to explain “wrong hole” to a very old tribal elder who was wondering why he couldn’t father any children.

    Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn’t be pregnant. She said her last period was “like ten months ago” so she’d gone through menopause.
    She was 25.

    Was translating at a medical clinic once. A father brought in his 20-year old son convinced he had early signs of diabetes since his hair was greasy. After convincing thr doctor that’s what he was actually there for, we told him to go take a shower and try different shampoo 🙁 its sad how little some people know about diabetes

    Not a doctor, dental hygienist…
    Had to explain that brushing your teeth with Comet ( the cleaner ) was not a good way to clean your teeth to a 40 year old woman.
    Also had to tell a woman that painting her teeth with white finger nail polish was a bad idea.

    Patient comes in at 2 am for insomnia, clearly tweaking her brains out, heart rate 200. Can’t sit still, bouncing off the walls. I suggest maybe easing up on the cocaine. “But doctor, I LOVE cocaine.” K.

    I don’t have to deal with people patients, but I helped out a vet for a while and there’s a lot of dumb pet owners. Had one lady who was really concerned about her obese lab getting hiccups. The vet let her know the dog was overweight and she told him he was wrong and then insisted we do diagnostic tests to “figure out” the hiccups.

    Not a doctor but my dad is an opthamologist (eye doctor). He once told me that one of his patients came in utterly confused why the “medicine in his glasses no work anymore.”

    As a veterinarian, I had a 10 minute conversation with an owner explaining which side was the dog’s left side.

    Friend of mine is a doctor. Had a christian couple come in and ask why they didn’t get a child. Both virgins untill married at 26 and 27. I mean, they did sleep with each other every night. Sleep.

    A friend of mine mistakenly called her gynecologist instead of her dentist to make an appointment, and started the call by admitting she was overdue for a cleaning…

    I had a patient’s mom ask me if putting a catheter in her 6 year old son would break his hymen and would he still be a virgin.

    So, not a doctor but I work at a hospital. We had someone come into A&E because they needed their nails redoing… They genuinely thought it was a good idea to go to accident and emergency to have their fake nails taken off and redone because they had gotten too long and become uncomfortable.

    I’m a rural family doc doing locums and was working at a city family practice clinic when I saw this patient.
    21 y/o female, not overweight, in no distress and appears quite well
    Me: “so what brings you in today”
    Pt: “I’m pretty sure I had a heart attack”
    Me: “okay, tell me more about why you feel that. what does this pain feel like”
    Pt: “like a heart attack”
    Me: “oh I see. When did you last have a heart attack that this feels like”
    Pt: “I haven’t had one before. But I get this pain every time I have my period. And I’ve sent my mom to the ER twice with the same pain before so I know it’s a heart attack”
    She was a non smoker who had no comorbidities, very noncardiac sounding chest pain, no risk factors and her mother that was sent in to the ED, had an EKG, no bloodwork and sent home shortly after (though patient swears both episodes were heart attacks).

    I asked a patient complaining of dizziness if she had ever been diagnosed with “vertigo”. The daughter chimed in and said “no, no, she’s a Libra…” I then laughed hysterically at her awesome joke. She was dead serious.

    Patient comes in with abdominal pain. “I think it’s my gallbladder,” they say. Looking over their chart, I see their gallbladder was removed 20 years ago so that is impossible. I mention this, to which they reply “yeah but it grew back.”

    A memorable lady was utterly convinced that her friend got cancer because she quit smoking (not because she eas a smoker…duh). This lady had a mild goitre, and her reason for not quitting was that if she quit smoking the ‘lumps in my neck would turn to cancer’. Could not be convinced otherwise. Then I referred her to ENT for her hoarse voice and she was surprised how fast she was seen. I said ‘well you’re a smoker so they were worried you might have throat cancer’ “Smoking causes throat cancer?!?!”. I always needed a strong coffee after her.

    A memorable lady was utterly convinced that her friend got cancer because she quit smoking (not because she was a smoker…duh). This lady had a mild goitre, and her reason for not quitting was that if she quit smoking the ‘lumps in my neck would turn to cancer’. Could not be convinced otherwise. Then I referred her to ENT for her hoarse voice and she was surprised how fast she was seen. I said ‘well you’re a smoker so they were worried you might have throat cancer’ “Smoking causes throat cancer?!?!”. I always needed a strong coffee after her.

    Ophthalmologist here. Told patient he needed reading glasses which he didn’t believe. I explained that everyone develops presbyopia eventually. “Come on, George Clooney doesn’t wear reading glasses!”. A) yes he does & B) not sure why you are comparing yourself with him…

    Had a female patient. Her mom asked me to adjust her scrotum. Trying not to burst out laughing, I said “Your daughter’s scrotum?” She acted like I was stupid and pointed to the back of her neck.
    I knew she wouldn’t listen as she was so convinced so I stopped arguing with her. And I also wanted her to go around saying it to other people.

    The time I was telling the family that the patient is going to die and her lab results (pH 6.6, lactic acid 25) are not compatible with life and they said they were pretty sure she would wake up if I put ice in her underpants. Well. Yeah we are not going to do that. She died and they still didn’t believe me she was dead. They kept trying to wake her up.

    Doctor here. One we get commonly is “I know my body.” Scoped a guy with knee pain – the joint looked perfect. Told him after the surgery, and he told us “no, my tendons are all torn. I know my body”
    Told a lady she was pregnant. “No, I’m not. I just had a big lunch. I know my body”
    Absolutely, when something doesn’t feel right and your doctor doesn’t want to listen, seek a second opinion. You know how your body normally feels. But if someone has performed an invasive surgery to look at your joint, or has seen a fetus on ultrasound, they probably know what they are talking about.

    Doctor here. One we get commonly is “I know my body.” Scoped a guy with knee pain – the joint looked perfect. Told him after the surgery, and he told us “no, my tendons are all torn. I know my body.”
    Told a lady she was pregnant. “No, I’m not. I just had a big lunch. I know my body.”
    Absolutely, when something doesn’t feel right and your doctor doesn’t want to listen, seek a second opinion. You know how your body normally feels. But if someone has performed an invasive surgery to look at your joint, or has seen a fetus on ultrasound, they probably know what they are talking about.

    Gynecologist here.
    Imagine a revved up version of that dreadlocked beanie-wearing woman meme: “Uh, it’s not vuh-JI-nah anymore, it’s pronounced vaah-ZHEE-nah now.”

    Might be late to this, but a 17 year old girl who was pregnant and came into the emergency department to get checked as she was punched in the stomach. She wanted to go out for a smoke so I did the whole pregnancy and smoking spiel, she stopped me and told me I knew nothing as the baby would be harmed if she stopped smoking straight away.

    Me: Sir, I need to know why you stopped taking your antiretrovirals for your HIV.
    Him: Well I met this witch online that…
    Me: Wait, did you just said “witch”?
    Him: Yeah, she sent me a bunch of herbs every month to cure my HIV, and they worked, last time i checked I was cured.
    Me: Where and what tests did you do to know you were cured?
    Him: I made an online test that the witch told me to, they were a lot of random questions but in the end it said that I was free of HIV.
    Me: Ooook, we will need to do a blood test to confirm that. Now, can you tell me wich herbs were you consuming?
    Him: I don’t know the name, but I have them right here :points at his backpack:
    Me: May I take a look?
    Him: Sure!
    I opened the bag and what I saw was nothing but grinded oregano with something that smelled like chlorine… The patient, sadly, died from a severe sepsis a month later with a highly resistant microorganism. Just because a “witch” in a website told him to stop taking his meds…

    Me: Sir, I need to know why you stopped taking your antiretrovirals for your HIV.
    Him: Well I met this witch online that…
    Me: Wait, did you just said “witch”?
    Him: Yeah, she sent me a bunch of herbs every month to cure my HIV, and they worked, last time i checked I was cured.
    Me: Where and what tests did you do to know you were cured?
    Him: I made an online test that the witch told me to, they were a lot of random questions but in the end it said that I was free of HIV.
    Me: Ooook, we will need to do a blood test to confirm that. Now, can you tell me wich herbs were you consuming?
    Him: I don’t know the name, but I have them right here :points at his backpack:
    Me: May I take a look?
    Him: Sure!
    I opened the bag and what I saw was nothing but grinded oregano with something that smelled like chlorine… The patient, sadly, died from a severe sepsis a month later with a highly resistant microorganism. Just because a “witch” in a website told him to stop taking his meds…

    Radiographer here and had the ED doctor give me a request for soft tissue neck X-rays and the doctor was p much like “don’t question it, just do it.” Anyway after that patient had left the ED dr came and told me that the gentleman presented to ED at 3am because he had hot milk three days ago and his tongue has been hurting ever since. The patient basically burnt his tongue but was insisting on a X-ray to ensure nothing is wrong.

    Woman with this weird abdominal cramping, twitching presentation. I won’t say stupid because she probably had some kind of undiagnosed dementia, but definitely the most bizarre.
    Ask her what she is feeling, why she’s twitching her abdomen “It’s like it’s trying to get out!” “Like what’s trying to get out ma’am?” “My…. my…. my SPERM!” “Um ma’am… you don’t have sperm” “Oh”
    For those of you curious, by the time I saw her last official diagnosis was pseudoseizures. She had a tendency to start twitching parts of her body whenever we would start asking whether she had twitching in those areas. “Ma’am have you had any twitching in your legs” *she looks at leg, leg starts twitching” “Yeah, I have”.

    Med student here, but I have had two winners.
    When discussing a precancerous skin lesion on a patient, they opted to use their “laser ray” instead of classic treatment. It was a cancer laser ray that was bought online. It also apparently had “frequencies for arthritis”. They insisted that the vibratory frequency can be tuned to destroy cancer cells, just like a trained singer may be able to use her voice to break a crystal glass. The patient did not believe that cancer cells and regular cells would have the same frequency.
    Another patient insisted that his cancer had been properly treated at home with baking soda (he gave me a website like or something). The patient also had with them a surgery report in which it appears their baking soda consumption resulted in buildup of abnormal calcium in the wall of the stomach, which had to be removed.

    When I was shadowing in a peds unit, a doc told me how a father of a newborn was against vaccines, even vit K because he thought the preservatives in them were harmful AS HE WAS EATING A BAG OF F*CKING DORITOS. Family came in like a day later because the kid was about to bleed out.

    While I am a doctor, this happened to my wife, also a doctor. Female pt came in complaining of infertility. Said she and her partner had been trying to conceive for like five years and had “tried everything.” At one point she let the pronoun slip “she and I…” and my wife said, “wait, let’s back up a minute.” Turns out the woman had been in a hetero relationship for a few years and never got pregnant despite using no protection. She then entered a same-sex relationship and again never got pregnant even though she really wanted to, leading her to believe she was infertile. When my wife tried to explain that conception requires sperm (sourced from a male) as well as an egg, the pt was incredulous, and exclaimed that she “didn’t need a man in my life” and she didn’t like being judged. Perhaps needless to say the patient was lost to followup.

    I am a family practitioner and I had a family not want to vaccinate their newborn because they heard that vaccines were derived from monkeys brains and they didn’t want their child to develop monkey like characteristics.

    I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn’t matter “because he uses a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.†I asked what she meant when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he used said condom again..

    Not a Doctor, but EMT.
    Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn’t be pregnant. She said her last period was “like ten months ago” so she’d gone through menopause.
    She was 25.

    A woman came in for a baby check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle. So I started explaining to her as kindly as I could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk. At which point she interrupts me and says, “Oh that isn’t chocolate milk. It’s coffee! He just loves it!â€

    A woman comes in after having a baby and tells us she’s having trouble breastfeeding. I book her an appointment at a breastfeeding clinic, give her some resources, etc. Her appointment was fine and she went on her merry way. A few weeks later, we get the fax that she went to the breastfeeding clinic and everything was fine. Awesome.
    A year later she shows up for her doctor’s appointment, and she’s morbidly obese. She must have put 100lbs on an already obese frame. She’s developed many health problems related to her weight (that she refuses to acknowledge are due to her weight. Of course.) She tells us she’s never been more active after having a kid, her diet hasn’t changed, her work life hasn’t changed, nothing has changed, the weight gain just happened due to ~hormones. We ask if she’s breastfeeding, she says yes. We ask how she’s getting the extra calories for the breastfeeding, and she tells us the Clinic told her to eat 1-2 bowls of plain oatmeal a day. It worked, so she’s still doing it.
    We figure this is how she gained so much weight (she’s probably eating 2 large bowls of oatmeal on top of her meals, with milk, sugar, butter, etc), but the woman insists she’s eating 1-2 packets of plain oatmeal a day. Nothing on it, nothing added to it. It says plain on the package, it tastes plain, it’s plain.
    We send the doctor in to see her after briefing him on the whole story about the oatmeal. He’s in the room with her a long time — much longer than normal. When she comes out of the room, she keeps her head down and walks off, looking angry and embarrassed. The doctor walks up to the nursing table and fills out the chart.
    “You never asked what brand of oatmeal she’s eating”.
    Yeah. Turns out she didn’t know plain rolled oats were a thing. She thought the breastfeeding clinic meant plain oatmeal cookies. She was eating an entire package of Dad’s oatmeal cookies every single day for a year (basically a ‘bowl or two’ filled with cookies), and could not understand how that was different from oatmeal.

    An older lady was brought into the ED barely conscious by her husband. In a very thick Italian accent she told the doctor she was dying. She had complained of feeling tingly and having a dry mouth prior to passing out.
    The doctor sat the husband down and they did a history. No serious medical problems and she was very fit. In fact she spent the morning cleaning her sons bar, as she often did on a Sunday morning.
    Considering her age they took these symptoms very seriously and begun running tests to find the source of her ailments.
    The son came in to visit his mother, and on the way he bypassed his bar. He noticed that his mother had helped herself to some of the ‘treats’ prepared the night before.
    The son, the apple of his parents eye, had to then explain to his father and the doctor that the treats she had enjoyed were space cakes. And apparently she really enjoyed them as she ate quite a few.
    They then had to sit down and tell this elderly lady that she was not dying, and that she was in fact stoned!
    Fortunately she was still high enough to see the humour.

    I had a patient that got a pretty nasty infection and became septic after putting collard greens in her vagina for several days because she thought it would induce an abortion.

    Doc here. I had a guy with an ICD in place. For those who don’t know, it basically shocks your heart if it goes into a funny rhythm.
    He would regularly come into the hospital to have it turned off because he would do a ton of cocaine and the thing would keep firing due to his high heart rate.
    I told him not to do cocaine. He kept doing cocaine.

    This happened in med school. I was taking the history of a guy in clinic and I asked about his past medical problems, including if he had had any heart attacks.
    He responded, “oh yeah, I’ve had about 20 of those.”
    “…you’ve had 20 heart attacks??”
    “Which doctor(s) did you see about them? Do you have a cardiologist?”
    “Nah, I never went to a doctor. My wife is a massage therapist, and whenever a heart attack hits, she starts to massage some pressure points and it stops.”
    “……Uhhhhh, ok……What does it feel like when you have a heart attack?”
    “I don’t ever remember them. My wife tells me that I fall onto the floor and my arms and legs start jerking. She says it takes about a minute of her massaging before it stops. I then get really confused and tired afterwards, and I can’t remember much of anything that happens to me until I take a nice long nap.”
    The dude was having seizures, and thought that they were heart attacks. They normally stop on their own after a few minutes (at the most), and his wife thought that her massages were curing him.

    I’ve had a patient claim that amputations run in his family.
    He said that was the only reason he needed both legs taken off above the knee. He was adamant that it was not actually due to his uncontrolled diabetes, his enormous and continual sugar intake, his refusal to use insulin, or his refusal of treatment for the giant infected wounds on both feet.

    A female doc I know at my school likes to tell this story as an example of why one must always ask for patient attribution (i.e. “What do you think is causing your problem?”)
    Really old guy came in complaining of foot pain. He was diabetic. Lady doc already has a diagnosis in mind, but goes through the whole shebang. At the end asks “And what do you think is causing the problem?” He goes: “I think I have a tack in my shoe.”
    He had a tack in his shoe and couldn’t bend over to get it out. She helped him remove it and he went on his way.

    As a self-diagnosing patient…One day notice a white, hard, jagged object protruding from my back gum. Can’t believe I’m having a tooth come in, especially since I’m 23 and had my wisdom teeth taken out years ago. Go to the dentist to get some X-rays annnnd it turns out to be a piece of a tortilla chip.

    Surgeon here. Was doing varicose veins surgery on a very posh middle aged lady. Very cut class accent. There was an anaesthetic that we used that sometimes induced some hallucinations either going under or coming out of anaesthesia and heard some funny things.
    Anyway this lady was in recovery just coming out of the anaesthetic. The team were around waiting for her to wake up and gag a little on the tube in her throat (for breathing) so we knew it was time to remove it. She gagged, we removed the tube, she smacked her lips and said loudly, in her incredible accent:
    ‘That’s the best bit of cock I have had in years!’
    The whole recovery room just fell about laughing. Luckily she didn’t remember it.

    I took care of an 11 year old boy in the ER a little while back. I gave him ketamine for a fracture reduction, or in other words setting and splinting of a broken bone. As he was coming around he started with typical stream of consciousness babbling and then he seemed to snap awake to say “I’m fuckin liiiiiit I’m gonna do so many drugs when I get older” to the amusement of his parents. They thought it was funny and cute but I’m pretty sure I created a monster.

    A woman had a gynecologist appointment one afternoon. Before leaving home she used a little feminine deodorant spray, just in case.
    She gets to her appointment and is assisted into the stirrups for her pelvic exam.
    The doc takes a quick look and says “My, aren’t we fancy today!”
    She and not used her feminine deodorant spray; she had instead accidentally used her daughter’s glitter hairspray.

    Not a doctor but a nurse. I once walked into my patient’s room responding to his call light. He had an accident and peed on the floor on the way to the bathroom and was now laying in bed stark naked calling for me. His wife, I guess oblivious to all this, was just dancing in the pee. Like eyes closed, hands over her head, hips swaying. In a puddle of her husbands pee. They were really a bizarre couple.

    Went about an anal problem. The doctor put his finger up to check all was ok, I made a slight noise and he asked if I was ok. And this is when I said “That’s nice”, instead of “That’s ok”.

    I went to the doctor to treat my soar throat and I agreed to get a shot of penicillin. If you don’t know this shot goes right into the ass. As he put the needle into my rear end I suddenly had the need to vomit. I wasn’t feeling anything until the exact moment of contact with my cheek. I yell STOP and immediately try to run over to the sink where I proceed to trip and fall. Then I just start letting it all out over the floor. I was just laying there on my side blowing chunks with the needle still stuck in my ass. It wasn’t one of my finer experiences at the doctor.

    Farted on my doctor’s hand just as she finished a prostate exam. Because of the lube it was an especially wet and raspberry sounding one. She giggled and said she’d be rich if she had a pound for every time it happened.

    I popped a boner on the nurse prepping me for a vasectomy… in front of my wife. During the procedure the doc kept referring to my member as Mr. Happy and talking about how hot the nurse was. The nurse was still on the room btw.

    Getting a physical around 11-13 and the doctor who was probably around 75 at the time asks me to strip down to my boxers for the whole awkward ball grab thing. Obviously at that age and dealing with all that shit you feel weird so when the doctor only said “cough” I mustered up a big one and was prepared to fire when he suddenly interrupts me with these words of wisdom “Son, when a man has your balls in his hand you don’t cough in his face.”

    Dropped a nasty rotten-egg fart in a patients room. He asked if I smelled anything and I said, “no.” He was silent for a minute, then says, “it smells like food.” He hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in days because of cancer in his stomach. Must have been really hungry if he thought it smelled edible

    Guy comes into the emergency department via Ambulance with burns on his lower extremities. His shoes are charred and the bottoms of his pants are definitely burned away but his skin isn’t so bad. He had been trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard (think flame thrower) and things got a little out of control. I smelled alcohol on his breath so I asked the guy if he had been drinking and he looked me directly in the eye and said, “Nooooo”. I got drunk just standing next to him. It was a once in a lifetime set up and I couldn’t help myself. As straight faced and professionally as possible I said, “Sir…liar, liar, pants on fire”. The paramedics all turned at once and ran out of the room they were laughing so hard! The patient just stared at me. He was so drunk it went totally over his head.

    Heard this story from a nurse friend.
    Some guy was dancing in skin tight leather pants at the opening of a new nightclub in a nearby small city. It was hot inside with the huge crowd.
    The guy fainted from the heat and was taken to the ER, where his pants were cut off.
    This revealed that the guy had a length of pepperoni in his crotch, taped to his thigh.
    The ER staff got the giggles and left his room to laugh in the hallway. At some point one of them said something like, “We’ve got to get back in there and deal with an unconscious patient.” At this point they returned to professional duties.

    The other day I had a 400 lb, 50 year old patient who hadn’t pooped in (she claims) 6 days. So I gave her all kinds of things to make her go and the moment comes when she feels the urge. She’s too heavy and unable to do things on her own so she asked for a bedpan. When she turned to her side, stool the size and shape of a small baby or big burrito slid out and I caught it. I looked up at the aide and down at the baby sized poo and back at the aide and did my best not to laugh or make a sound.
    All I could think of is how I legit felt like I delivered a baby

    I once had the daughter of one of my patients march up to the nursing station, slam the vitals chart down on the desk and yell at me “How dare you say my mother stinks” I’m utterly puzzled by this as no-one had said anything of the sort and ask the daughter to explain what she meant, she grabs the chart, points to the row of “BO’s” recorded on it and shouts “Here you even had the nerve to write it down” I explained that “BO” meant Bowels Open not body odour before escaping to the staff room to laugh my head off.

    I am an ER doc. I once had a 20 year old and his girlfriend come in at 2 am freaking out becuase “something had tore his throat open”. He seemed fine. No blood. Breathing fine. I had him open his mouth, saw nothing. So didn’t want him to lose confidence in me, clearly something had happened, so I’m looking, and looking….there is nothing wrong with this kids throat. Finally I say look, it seems ok…what do you feel or see? “I dont feel it but LOOK ITS RIGHT THERE”. WHERE??? Looking, looking. It was his uvula. Somehow this kid had gotten to the age of 20 without ever noticing his uvula. Girlfriend was also horrified….I told them it was normal. Did not believe me. So I told them I was about to blow their minds and showed him his girlfriends uvula. Minds blown, another life saved in the ER.

    I had a patient in her 30s complain of monthly rectal bleeding that would last 4-6 days and stop on its own. It started when she was 11. She just thought she should get checked out. It did stop for a while when she was pregnant.

    There was one who was very upset to find out that she was pregnant again because she’d used her diaphragm EXACTLY as she’d been told.
    She carefully inspected it for holes, applied the spermicide, placed it, wore it at night, then took it out, cleaned it and put it away each morning.
    …And then her husband arrived home from his night-shift.

    I posted this a while back when a similar question was asked:
    GP here. The most outrageous thing I’ve heard was from a boy who was something like 20-22 years old. Very poor, illiterate family. The boy had a bad case of tonsilitis and refused to take any meds because all he needed to do was “bite the sun”. Basically at noon he had to look up to the sun, open his mouth as wide as possible and “bite” the sun several times so it would “burn” his tonsils and cure him over the course of a couple weeks. When that wouldn’t work, plan B was to do the same at night but only under a full moon.

    I worked at the ER during my internship and met a girl who had increasingly painful and red eyes since a couple of days back. The last 24h had been horrible. I asked about all the normal stuff, and she claimed to have no idea why she had this eye problem – she had never had anything wrong with her eyes. I proceed to drop some dye in her eyes to check them in a microscope, and when I do I realize she’s wearing contacts.
    She didn’t like her natural eye colour, so she had bought a set of blue coloured lenses 8 months earlier. Never removed them, not even during night time. Didn’t even think to mention this to me, claimed to have no “foreign materials” in her eyes.
    Needless to say, I gave her quite the harsh lecture and a referal to an ophtalmologist.

    I’m a med student but I once saw a patient in the ER who came in because she lost her vibrator inside herself. It was still on. She sat in the waiting room for over an hour with that thing in there.

    I once saw a high school aged kid come in with a dinner candle stuck in his rectum. He reportedly was using it to reach an itch. Apparently the itch was in his spleen because that thing was deep. Mom told me the story, and how she had previously asked him to not itch himself with other things of hers. I didn’t ask for any more details. I honestly think she believed that he was just really itchy.

    My pharmacist at my old job was a very beautiful woman. Many people complemented her, but we had one patient that she would literally hide from (duck under counters, around corners, fake phone calls if he had already seen her). He said the worst things to her. For example, “if you were my girlfriend I would never let you out of bed.” Which in your reading-stuff-online-mental-voice probably isn’t as bad as it was to have some creepy old lech mouth breathing and leering at you. He would ask her horribly personal questions like if her boobs were real and had she ever been with a white guy before (she’s black.) I guess to answer your question, she handled it by avoiding slash hiding from him.

    I’m not a doctor, but I’m an ER nurse. I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn’t matter “because he uses a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it throughly after every use.” I asked what she meant when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he used said condom again…

    I had severe asthma as a kid. I was intubated for a severe attack a few times. My parents were instructed to take better precautions in our home and went through instructions, more dusting, washing bed sheets and the big one: NO SMOKING inside the house. So my parents agreed to all of this.

    Few weeks later, I’m back in the hospital. A doctor recognized me and came over to talk. Then he bent over and smelled my head (I’ll never forget that. I thought it was so weird). He told a nurse to sit there and not let me leave with my parents. When my parents showed up, he asked point blank, ‘Did you not understand what I told you last time? Do you understand these attacks could be fatal?’

    ‘But we open windows and have stopped smoking in her room when we put her to bed!

    Not a doctor, but my human sexuality professor in grad school had some interesting stories. He worked a lot in very conservative Christian communities and so a lot of times people got married with no sex education. One couple was in therapy because neither one of them enjoyed sex or ever had an orgasm. After having them talk through step by step what they did in bed, he learned the guy was just sticking it in and nothing else. He told the guy to move back and forth next time and see what happened. They couple came back one more time to say “THANK YOU!!!!!” and didn’t need any more sessions.

    Not a doctor, but I regularly have people come in for eye examinations because ‘when I take my glas

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    His Grandma Got Him Through College, So He Surprised Her With The Sweetest Gift

    Life can be a difficult journey to try and navigate on your own, so having a strong support system is important for everyone, young and old.

    For me, that support system comes in the form of my parents, but as Twitter user Ali just pointed out, grandmas can be incredible pillars of strength. Without his grandma’s endless love and support, he may not have made it through college. Thankfully he did, and he just did something so sweet to thank his biggest fan.

    Grandma was caught by surprise one afternoon when she arrived in her kitchen and discovered a brand new oven. Her reaction says it all!

    But Ali’s token of appreciation doesn’t stop there. He has started a GoFundMe to help grandma renovate her entire home. To help Ali achieve his goal, consider donating here.

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    The right is falling apart online over Roy Moore’s loss

    A Republican managed to lose in deeply red Alabama on Tuesday and… well…


    That’s literally the horse Roy Moore rode in on—Sassy—getting Crying Jordan’d on its way out the door.

    Moore’s loss to Democrat Doug Jones was momentous for numerous reasons. While Jones in the Senate could possibly grind the Republican agenda to a halt, the win came as cathartic at the end of an abjectly awful 2017. During his race, Moore was revealed to be a racist, retrograde xenophobe who was accused of molesting numerous teenage girls. And because of our twisted politics, Republicans still supported him, a literal vote against human decency.

    The win by Jones—who prosecuted Klan members—felt something like righting an America that had gone off the rails.



    After Roy Moore said in a speech that the vote count was too close to concede—despite having clearly lost—people lept on that irony with glee.



    But for all the joy on the left, it was the right that was melting down online, rife with excuses and blame. Former White House counselor Steve Bannon got his share of it.



    Some thought Moore lost because he didn’t turn this into a referendum on the non-existent nefarious parts of government.


    The right wasn’t taking it well at all. Bill Mitchell was in fact surprised people came out to vote against an accused pedophile, diving into a Louise Mensch-style conspiracy theory about turnout.


    President Donald Trump, for his part, wanted people to know that he always thought Roy Moore was going to lose.


    This election turned things around so much that somehow Mike Huckabee was the conservative voice of reason.


    But perhaps the real loser of the evening was conservative agitator Mike Cernovich, owned by his own call to screengrab a prediction.



    You’ll be seeing that one a lot today.

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    Singapores Aging ‘Time Bomb’ Will Tick Louder in 2018

    Next year marks an ominous turning point for Singapore’s graying population, according to research by Francis Tan, an economist at United Overseas Bank Ltd. in Singapore.

    In 2018, the share of the population that’s 65 years and older will match those younger than 15 for the first time, Tan wrote in a report on Wednesday. As the elderly population starts to crowd out the youth, the “demographic time bomb” may mean changes to taxes, immigration rules, and social services, he said.

    “Singapore is facing one of the toughest economic and social challenges since its independence in the form of a rapidly aging workforce and population,” Tan said.

    At this rate, seniors in Singapore’s population will make up more than double the share of the youngest residents in 2030. Tan uses a compounded annual growth rate rather than adjusting for potential policy changes or alteration of trends such as fertility rates, meaning officials could still help redraw those lines, or at least make them appear less menacing, over the next decade.

    With already the oldest population in the Association of Southeast Asian Nations, the Singapore of 2030 will probably look a lot like the demographics-embattled Japan of 2016, Tan’s figures show.

    That’s all making policy more complicated as the city state seeks to ensure that the elderly population is cared for without curbing the well-being of younger residents.

    One way to increase the labor supply would be to ease immigration restrictions, a move that would have to be done at a managed pace to avoid worsening the “foreigner assimilation issue” in Singapore, even though the country can’t afford zero immigration, Tan said. Singapore tightened rules on the hiring of foreigners in the wake of the 2011 election, amid voter discontent over gridlock and competition for employment, property and education.

    Few Chefs

    Tan uses the analogy of a restaurant’s kitchen for the economy to show how aging threatens growth, and the quality of that output.

    “If there are fewer new chefs coming into the kitchen to cook the massive pot of broth (because of low birth rates and low levels of immigration), the existing pool of experienced chefs are aging and retiring, and there is no improvement in labor productivity, the amount of broth (GDP) that will be produced in the next period will certainly be lesser, or worse still, be of inferior quality,” he wrote.

    The stark trend also helps explain why Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong has said tax increases are not a matter of if, but when. His remarks were echoed by other government officials, suggesting that a boost to the goods and services tax, among other proposals, is being considered for implementation as early as next year.

    Tan sees the government increasing the GST next year to 8 percent from 7 percent, with an equal boost in 2019.

    While Tan’s warnings carry a dark tone, he’s optimistic that the government has time to enact changes that will mitigate the negative effects of aging.

    “The demographic time bomb only starts ticking in 2018 — it does not mean that it will explode yet,” he wrote. “There is still a sizable percentage of working-age population supporting the economy. That said, one will have to understand that this cannot last forever.”

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      “THE FREAKING ELF IS IN THE OVEN!”: Mom Wins Christmas With Epic Elf on Shelf Fail

      The good ol’ “Elf on the Shelf” has been an increasingly popular Christmas tradition keeping our little ones in line ’til Santa comes since 2005. But for parents, maintaining the magic power and stealthy moves of this lil’ fella can be quite the chore.

      Texas mother Brittany Mease knows this ALL too well. Her perceptive children started to get a little concerned when their family’s elf, Elfis, stayed in the same spot for 14 whole days. Not wanting to raise suspicion, Brittany quickly threw Elfis in the oven, intending to move him later when the kids weren’t paying attention.

      Little did she know that just a couple of days later, she would pay dearly for her seemingly harmless move that resulted in broken hearts, one extra-charred elf, and a hysterical uproar from her Internet spectators.

      Brittany’s holiday faux pas has since become a viral sensation reminding mamas everywhere not to take this elf-ing parenting thing too seriously. Read her hilarious Facebook post in full below:

      “Mom of the Year award goes to Yours truly. ‍♀️

      Y’all know I can’t stand doing Elf on the Shelf, but I suck it up every year and do it to see those precious smiles on my beautiful children’s faces. 

      Elfis, our elf that we’ve had for 5 years, arrived on December 1st with a broken leg—and blamed it on the kids for leaving their toys out, saying he tripped and broke his leg; but Doc McStuffins fixed him up and put a cast on him. The note told the kids that he was on strict bedrest orders and couldn’t move for 14 days. (Mom win, right? I just got a free pass to not worry about moving that creepy guy for TWO WEEKS! Heck yeah!)

      The other day, the kids noticed that it had been longer than 14 days and he hadn’t moved; so when they weren’t looking, I grabbed him off the kitchen counter and quickly tossed him in the oven (until I could move him later and not raise any suspicion). They have been waiting for him to come back for a couple days, but life’s been a little crazy with Gray being super sick (and my life being a joke in general) so… I forgot. I seriously forgot I put the freaking elf in the freaking oven! ‍♀️

      Today, the kids wanted leftover pasta for lunch. Gray likes it when I bake leftover pasta, because he says it tastes better so that’s exactly what I did. (I will literally do anything to get him to eat right now, since he’s not had an appetite lately…)

      I preheated the oven and started cleaning the kitchen. About four minutes later, I started to smell something REALLY funky; and that’s when all hell broke loose, and I broke my son’s heart…

      In mid-conversation with Brittany, I yelled, ‘THE ELF! THE FREAKING ELF IS IN THE OVEN!’ Brittany rushed in to help me get him out, and Gray came in the kitchen with excitement (literally the happiest I think I’ve seen him since he got out of the hospital) thinking our elf was back; but his world fell apart as we were using kitchen utensils to get our burnt and melting elf, out of the oven.

      I would have thought that with Gray being older, he would have laughed at it, but it was Ily that laughed—and Gray that got his little heart broken. I seriously suck.

      Sooooo… guess what I’m doing today? I’m having to scramble and find the other elf we have; and then I have to call Santa (in front of the kids) and ask him if he will please pick Elfis up tonight. Ya know, since he is unable to make it to the North Pole to get fixed (because his head literally popped off from being too hot, once we pulled him out of the oven; and his feet are completely melted off).

      Darn this Elf on the Shelf stuff! Wish me luck; let’s see how I get myself outta this one. 

      (Update: Ily was glad the elf is gone because now he can’t tell on her— She’s a savage child.)”

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      Silicon Valley Star T.J. Miller Accused of Sexually Assaulting and Punching a Woman

      Warning: This story includes graphic content.

      An alleged victim of former Silicon Valley star T.J. Miller is coming forward with accusations that Miller hit and sexually assaulted her while in college.

      The accusations were eventually addressed by a student court at George Washington University and have been buzzed about in Hollywood and stand-up circles for years.

      He just tried a lot of things without asking me, and at no point asked me if I was all right, the woman told The Daily Beast. He choke[d] me, and I kept staring at his face hoping he would see that I was afraid and [that he] would stop I couldnt say anything.

      Millers alleged victim, who asked to remain anonymous, said she is coming forward now in part because of the societal awakening to issues of sexual assault and harassment that has come in the aftermath of misconduct allegations that have rocked the entertainment industry. The Daily Beast is withholding her identity because of her fears of retribution. But for the purposes of this piece, we will call her Sarah.

      Miller has told friends over the years that he was wrongfully accused. And in a statement to The Daily Beast, Miller and his wife, Kate, denied any wrongdoing. Instead, they cast themselves as the victims.

      Sarah began again to circulate rumors online once [my and Kates] relationship became public. Sadly she is now using the current climate to bandwagon and launch these false accusations again, the Millers wrote. It is unfortunate that she is choosing this route as it undermines the important movement to make women feel safe coming forward about legitimate claims against real known predators.

      Miller began shaking [her] violently and punched her in the mouth during sex.

      But its not just Sarah who has come forward. The Daily Beast has corroborated details of her storywhich includes two separate incidentswith five GW contemporaries and spoke to numerous associates of both her and Miller.

      Two of the GW contemporaries say they were in the off-campus house where the incidents allegedly occurred. The contemporaries later testified in student court about hearing the sound of violent thuds or seeing bruises on Sarah.

      Three other contemporaries said they comforted and counseled Sarah in the aftermath of the incidents. Matt Lord was one of them. An ex-boyfriend of Sarahs, he told The Daily Beast that he continues to believe her story more than a decade after the fact.

      I attended George Washington University for undergraduate studies from 2000 until December 2003… I had a romantic relationship with [this] woman, who spoke with me about T.J. Miller sexually assaulting her, Lord, who currently works as an attorney in Montague, Massachusetts, wrote in a statement to The Daily Beast. At the time I believed the statements she made regarding the assault by Mr. Miller, and I continue to believe the statements she made are true. She was engaged in student conduct proceedings regarding the sexual assault, and I remember the emotional toll that the assault and the subsequent conduct hearings placed on her.

      In the years since, Miller has attempted to address the lingering allegations by occasionally making light of them. Hes privately joked about committing violence against a woman in his past, according to three sources in the comedy world. Perhaps that is why some female performers and comedy professionals tell The Daily Beast that they have declined to work with Miller, citing a perceived history of abusive behavior.

      The incidents took place at GW where Miller was a student and Sarah was taking classes but not matriculating. They fell in with the same GW comedy troupe, receSs, during which time they struck up a relationship. I felt relatively safe with T.J. at the time, Sarah explained.

      But months into their relationship, which started in the fall of 2001, Sarah said the first troubling encounter took place. She recalled having a lot to drink and admitted that there are parts of [the incident] I dont remember. She stressed that it is important to me to cop to that [and] Im not interested in forcing a pretend memory on anyone 15 years later, I remain terrified of accusing someone of something they didnt do, but I have a visual and physical memory of that.

      However, Sarah said she has a distinct memory that as they were fooling around at her place, Miller began shaking me violently and punched her in the mouth during sex.

      Sarah said that she woke up the following morning with a fractured tooth and a bloodied lip. When she asked Miller about it that morning, he claimed, according to Sarah, that she had simply fallen down drunkenly the past evening.

      She was unsettled by the incident, but said that she did not know many people in D.C. and continued to see Miller. She had lost her virginity to him and, at least for a brief window, he was someone she trusted.

      I couldnt bring myself [at the time] to believe this had happened… It was me not wanting it to be true.

      I couldnt bring myself [at the time] to believe this had happened, Sarah said. It was me not wanting it to be true.

      A few days after the first incident, Sarah got word that she would no longer be participating in receSs. She was upset and disappointed and said that she called Miller to confide in him. She had not fully processed the first encounter, she said, and Miller was still someone she believed she could turn to in a time of stress and vulnerability.

      They soon met at a college party, and left in a cab to head back to the apartment she had been renting with her roommates. When they arrived back at her home, they began to engage in consensual sexbut then Miller became violent again, Sarah said. She emphasized that she had not had more than two drinks that evening, and that her memory of the following five-hour ordeal was and is crystal-clear.

      We started to fool around, and very early in that, he put his hands around my throat and closed them, and I couldnt breathe, she recalled. I was genuinely terrified and completely surprised. I understand now that this is for some people a kink, and I continue to believe it is [something] that should be entered into by consenting parties. But, as someone who had only begun having sexual encounters, like, about three months earlier, I had no awareness this was a kink, and I had certainly not entered into any agreement that I would be choked.

      I was fully paralyzed, Sarah continued.

      Sarah claimed that she was choking audiblyto the point that her roommates could hear what was happening and rushed over to knock on her bedroom door. Sarah said she then got up and walked to her door in a robe, and one of her roommates asked if everything was OK.

      I dont know, she responded, before shutting the door, Ill talk to you in the morning.

      He pulled me back to bed and more things happened, Sarah said. He anally penetrated me without my consent, which I actually believe at that point I cried out, like, No, and he didnt continue to do thatbut he also had a [beer] bottle with him the entire time. He used the bottle at one point to penetrate me without my consent.

      During the incident, Sarah said she froze. She says she wasnt prepared for what had happened and that she didnt want to believe it was happening.

      Miller finally left her apartment around 5 a.m. The next morning, Sarah said she confided in her roommates about what had happened. One of those housemates, who is currently a Maryland resident and stay-at-home mom who asked not to be named in this story, confirmed as much to The Daily Beast.

      I knew T.J. was in her bedroom and I was in my bedroom, which was a wall away, the source said. My [other] roommate was in my bedroom with me and we heard a loud smacking noise, and we were concerned The very next day when we talked to [Sarah] she was very upset, and had said he had hit her in a very violent way.

      Katie Duffy, a former GW student and another of Sarahs ex-housemates, said she had not realized that the T.J. from that night was the famed actor and comedian until informed by The Daily Beast. (She conceded she had to Google him.) But she recalled the incident much as Sarah had described it.

      One night, she had [Miller] back, and late at night [a housemate and I] heard quite a lot of fighting [sounds] and banging, and loud, violent sounds [in the room next to us], Duffy said. So we knocked on the door of our housemate [Sarah], and asked if she was OK. She did indicate she was OK. Whatever response she gave, we felt we didnt have to intervene further, at least at the time Looking back, I wish we had done more to intervene, but we didnt know what was going on This is a girl I didnt know very well, but it didnt mean I didnt have the power to go into that room, and remove her from that situation, and protect her. We did what we thought was the right thing at the time. It wasnt enough.

      The next morning, Duffy recalled, Sarah came down to the small kitchen where other housemates were having coffee and breakfast. Her physical appearance raised alarm.

      She looked like she had been through a rough nightI recall seeing bruises [on Sarah], Duffy said. One roommate asked if she wanted to go to the police. Others offered to take her to the hospital, given how she looked.

      Sarah ultimately declined. Duffy moved out shortly thereafter, and said she hasnt spoken to Sarah since, simply because we didnt know each other well.

      In the days and weeks that directly followed the alleged sexual assaults, Sarahs friendship with Miller disintegrated completely. She said they met once more, days after that second night, to talk about what had happened; T.J. said it was a trust thing and that he thought I was into it, Sarah recalled.

      As they drifted apart, she asked mutual friends of Millers about the incident. According to Sarah and those close to her, the responses were fairly uniform, to the effect of, Yeah, thats just T.J. The only other time she would see him over the next year was at a female comedy group show that she attended. T.J. showed up to heckle, and I remember being so angry, she said, and had to leave.

      She looked like she had been through a rough nightI recall seeing bruises… One roommate asked if she wanted to go to the police. Others offered to take her to the hospital.

      It would be almost a yearfollowing much deliberations, counsel, and support from friendsbefore Sarah went to GWs campus police to tell them what had happened. By then, Miller was in his last year at the university.

      I was not ready to process what was happening [the prior year], and I have spent a lot of time in my life apologizing for not having shouted no, and for not having told my roommates to get him out of here, Sarah said, explaining why she didnt go to campus police a year earlier. I was not ready to reconcile the events taking place with the person I had known. It was so disorienting and so physically traumatic.

      Like other female college students in similar circumstances, Sarah did not want to take the case to the cops since nearly a year had passed, and there was no remaining physical evidence. Instead, her allegations were handled by the student court at the university.

      At this point, Sarah asked her housematethe current Maryland mom who heard the loud smacking noiseif she would testify in the student court process, and she agreed.

      I testified in student court about the noise I had heard and how upset she was after the incident, Sarahs former housemate recalled to The Daily Beast. T.J. was there with a lawyer during the student court proceeding.

      That housemate subsequently asked Duffy if shed testified. I was happy to, Duffy said, recalling that she did not see Sarah at the student court during her testimony, but said that Miller, his father, and his attorney were there.

      I was asked why I hadnt done anything [more] if I was so worried and I said, well, the noises were loud enough that it did prompt us to ask what was wrong, so we did do something, Duffy said. I felt very uncomfortable, the way they were challenging me on it.

      Sarah said that the student court grilled her about all my habits, including what she had to drink, and how much, on both nights. She was asked if she had ever heard of erotic asphyxiation, and was asked if they had ever discussed the sexual practice, which she had not.

      After a trial period that lasted a couple of weeks, Sarah said that the university told her that the issue had been resolved.

      A GW spokesperson would only tell The Daily Beast that because of federal privacy law, we are not able to provide information about current or former students education records, in response to inquiries regarding a campus PD report or the student court proceedings. The federal law GW is referencing is the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA).

      GW did confirm, however, that Miller graduated in 2003, but did not comment on whether he graduated early due to any unique circumstance. Other knowledgeable sources told The Daily Beast that Miller was expelled after he graduatedan outcome that appeared to be an attempt by the university to satisfy both parties.

      Sarah said she had lost acquaintances over her allegations, several of whom were her former comedy-troupe cohorts, most of whom ended up supporting Miller.

      Four of these friends spoke to The Daily Beast, though none agreed to do so on the record. Each of these friends was in the college comedy troupe or matriculating at GW at the time. And all of them presented the same general portrait of Miller as a gregarious and generous person who couldnt have done this, as several said.

      Ive known T.J. since college, always known him to be a very caring person, and respectful, particularly toward women, one friend said. And he loves his wife very, very much.

      Another source, who testified in student court (via phone, post-graduation) on Millers behalf, said it was unimaginable that T.J. could do anything like that.

      I have never heard of another woman [who dated him in college] make any kind of allegation or insinuation that he was anything but a good guy, the friend continued. Another friend insisted that Miller was the type of person if you took him to a strip club, he would want to talk to the strippers, not hit on them.

      No one has accused Miller of hitting on strippers.

      A source also produced a set of email exchanges between Miller and someone who dated Sarah later in life. The emails, one of which was presented without the conversation that preceded it, didnt directly address the incident itself but instead showed both parties trying to come to a more amicable understanding. Sarah told The Daily Beast that she was simply under some social pressure to be cool about this at the time, and didn’t necessarily see myself as having any other option to resolution.

      One of Millers friends said he believed [Sarah] knew she was making this up to intentionally and maliciously fabricate a sexual-assault allegation. This friend could not offer any evidence to support such a claim, nor could another person, who wasnt a friend of Millers but shared a similar view and testified on his behalf.

      Kate and T.J. Miller made similar accusations in a statement provided weeks after first learning that The Daily Beast was reporting on these incidents.

      We met this woman over a decade ago while studying together in college, she attempted to break us up back then by plotting for over a year before making contradictory claims and accusations, the Millers wrote.

      She was asked to leave our university comedy group because of worrisome and disturbing behavior, which angered her immensely, she then became fixated on our relationship, and began telling people around campus Im going to destroy them and Im going to ruin him, the statement continued.

      When asked about these claims, Sarahs responded, Of course not.

      He was a friend to me before [the incidents], and he had been there for me before that, she said. I didnt want him in jail. I didnt hate him. He was someone I cared about I dont want to mess up his life. But he behaved in a way towards me that I have to live with [and] I dont think its appropriate that I carry this by myself.

      If Sarah was eager to settle scores with Miller, she certainly didnt show it. When The Daily Beast first started looking into this story, those close to her said for months that she had expressed no desire to come forward and was actively avoiding media inquiries. Only weeks after the advent of the #MeToo movement did that seem to change.

      Miller soon left his alma mater and became a star in stand-up comedy. He then began appearing in major Hollywood productions, and landed a starring role on the critically lauded HBO show Silicon Valley. But despite the lack of public accusations since his time at George Washington, whispers about what happened in his college years followed him.

      Four female comedians and bookers who spoke to The Daily Beast said that they had heard of the alleged sexual misconduct at GW. Some of these comics had heard about the accusations from Sarah directly, and have since warned women in stand-up comedy about Miller.

      But some know about the sexual-assault allegations because Miller talked about them himself when confiding in friends and associates.

      Four sources in the L.A. and Chicago comedy scenesincluding JC Coccoli, a Los Angeles-based producer who briefly dated Miller in 2009said they each first heard of the allegations because Miller had told them about them or referenced them in private conversation, or at small gatherings before or after shows. Miller did so in the context of vehemently denying rumors circulating in various comedy communities. Other times, he would crack jokes about punching a woman he knew in college, two other comics independently told The Daily Beast.

      Maura Brown, a comedy festival organizer and publicist who used to work in L.A. and has since uprooted to Portland, Oregon, said she has also heard about the Miller allegation for years.

      Very commonly, women have warned each other [in entertainment] about him and about what happened in college, Brown told The Daily Beast.

      Brown noted that starting in 2013, when she first heard about the allegations, she never wanted to work with him [ever], and never wanted to work on the same projects as him, and that this convinced me to not try to book him or promote him in any way.

      I didnt want him in jail. I didnt hate him. But he behaved in a way towards me that I have to live with I dont think its appropriate that I carry this by myself.

      Still, Miller, whose star is increasingly rising in Hollywood these days, continues to have friends in high places in the entertainment world.

      Miller is set to appear in several major film projects, including an upcoming movie co-starring Kristen Stewart and another starring Ryan Reynolds. This year, HBO aired his stand-up special, and Comedy Central started airing The Gorburger Show, what Miller has previously told The Daily Beast is his passion project about a murderous alien talk-show host.

      Sarah, his alleged victim, no longer lives in L.A., where she resettled not long after auditing at GW. She says she had a wonderful experience doing improv and comedy in the local comedy scene, and tried to put what happened with Miller behind her.

      I had to see him at my improv school [in L.A.], which I, shortly after, stopped going to, and see him at stand-up shows, and I stopped doing stand-up [eventually in L.A.], Sarah said. It doesnt help that when I was living in L.A. I had to keep seeing his name on billboards, and on bus stops, and it just didnt stop.

      She added, It is unfathomable to me that he doesnt understand that he actually put me through something I have to live with, that I never wouldve chosen, that completely, completely set the tone for my sexual adult life, that I actively had to spend years and years un-programming.

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