Man held prisoner by Taliban thought captors were joking about Trump presidency

One of the more popular memes of the absurdist state of our lives right now is the “imagine explaining this headline to someone from” format. Something weird and ridiculous happens, like “Eminem demands white fans rescind support for President Donald Trump,” and people will say, “Imagine explaining that to someone from 2000,” the gist being that someone from the past would hear that and would be confused as fuck.

Of course, you can’t really do that without a time machine—but this weekend, we got a taste of what it was like.

Joshua Boyle and wife Caitlin Coleman were captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan in 2012 while reportedly hiking in a remote area outside of Kabul. The Canadian citizens, as well as the two children they had while in captivity, were just rescued in an operation in Pakistan.

In an interview with the Toronto Star, recounting their experience, Boyle said that their captors kept outside information to a minimum during their five-year ordeal, noting that he did not know Justin Trudeau had become prime minister of Canada.

And when he was filming a “proof-of-life” video, Boyle said he was told that Trump was president. Boyle said he thought they were joking. “It didn’t enter my mind that he was being serious,” he said.


To be fair, that’s pretty much how you’d expect anyone to respond.

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‘Our minds can be hijacked’: the tech insiders who fear a smartphone dystopia

The Google, Apple and Facebook workers who helped make technology so addictive are disconnecting themselves from the internet. Paul Lewis reports on the Silicon Valley refuseniks who worry the race for human attention has created a world of perpetual distraction that could ultimately end in disaster

Justin Rosenstein had tweaked his laptops operating system to block Reddit, banned himself from Snapchat, which he compares to heroin, and imposed limits on his use of Facebook. But even that wasnt enough. In August, the 34-year-old tech executive took a more radical step to restrict his use of social media and other addictive technologies.

Rosenstein purchased a new iPhone and instructed his assistant to set up a parental-control feature to prevent him from downloading any apps.

He was particularly aware of the allure of Facebook likes, which he describes as bright dings of pseudo-pleasure that can be as hollow as they are seductive. And Rosenstein should know: he was the Facebook engineer who created the like button in the first place.

A decade after he stayed up all night coding a prototype of what was then called an awesome button, Rosenstein belongs to a small but growing band of Silicon Valley heretics who complain about the rise of the so-called attention economy: an internet shaped around the demands of an advertising economy.

These refuseniks are rarely founders or chief executives, who have little incentive to deviate from the mantra that their companies are making the world a better place. Instead, they tend to have worked a rung or two down the corporate ladder: designers, engineers and product managers who, like Rosenstein, several years ago put in place the building blocks of a digital world from which they are now trying to disentangle themselves. It is very common, Rosenstein says, for humans to develop things with the best of intentions and for them to have unintended, negative consequences.

Rosenstein, who also helped create Gchat during a stint at Google, and now leads a San Francisco-based company that improves office productivity, appears most concerned about the psychological effects on people who, research shows, touch, swipe or tap their phone 2,617 times a day.

There is growing concern that as well as addicting users, technology is contributing toward so-called continuous partial attention, severely limiting peoples ability to focus, and possibly lowering IQ. One recent study showed that the mere presence of smartphones damages cognitive capacity even when the device is turned off. Everyone is distracted, Rosenstein says. All of the time.

But those concerns are trivial compared with the devastating impact upon the political system that some of Rosensteins peers believe can be attributed to the rise of social media and the attention-based market that drives it.

Drawing a straight line between addiction to social media and political earthquakes like Brexit and the rise of Donald Trump, they contend that digital forces have completely upended the political system and, left unchecked, could even render democracy as we know it obsolete.

In 2007, Rosenstein was one of a small group of Facebook employees who decided to create a path of least resistance a single click to send little bits of positivity across the platform. Facebooks like feature was, Rosenstein says, wildly successful: engagement soared as people enjoyed the short-term boost they got from giving or receiving social affirmation, while Facebook harvested valuable data about the preferences of users that could be sold to advertisers. The idea was soon copied by Twitter, with its heart-shaped likes (previously star-shaped favourites), Instagram, and countless other apps and websites.

It was Rosensteins colleague, Leah Pearlman, then a product manager at Facebook and on the team that created the Facebook like, who announced the feature in a 2009 blogpost. Now 35 and an illustrator, Pearlman confirmed via email that she, too, has grown disaffected with Facebook likes and other addictive feedback loops. She has installed a web browser plug-in to eradicate her Facebook news feed, and hired a social media manager to monitor her Facebook page so that she doesnt have to.

Justin Rosenstein, the former Google and Facebook engineer who helped build the like button: Everyone is distracted. All of the time. Photograph: Courtesy of Asana Communications

One reason I think it is particularly important for us to talk about this now is that we may be the last generation that can remember life before, Rosenstein says. It may or may not be relevant that Rosenstein, Pearlman and most of the tech insiders questioning todays attention economy are in their 30s, members of the last generation that can remember a world in which telephones were plugged into walls.

It is revealing that many of these younger technologists are weaning themselves off their own products, sending their children to elite Silicon Valley schools where iPhones, iPads and even laptops are banned. They appear to be abiding by a Biggie Smalls lyric from their own youth about the perils of dealing crack cocaine: never get high on your own supply.

One morning in April this year, designers, programmers and tech entrepreneurs from across the world gathered at a conference centre on the shore of the San Francisco Bay. They had each paid up to $1,700 to learn how to manipulate people into habitual use of their products, on a course curated by conference organiser Nir Eyal.

Eyal, 39, the author of Hooked: How to Build Habit-Forming Products, has spent several years consulting for the tech industry, teaching techniques he developed by closely studying how the Silicon Valley giants operate.

The technologies we use have turned into compulsions, if not full-fledged addictions, Eyal writes. Its the impulse to check a message notification. Its the pull to visit YouTube, Facebook, or Twitter for just a few minutes, only to find yourself still tapping and scrolling an hour later. None of this is an accident, he writes. It is all just as their designers intended.

He explains the subtle psychological tricks that can be used to make people develop habits, such as varying the rewards people receive to create a craving, or exploiting negative emotions that can act as triggers. Feelings of boredom, loneliness, frustration, confusion and indecisiveness often instigate a slight pain or irritation and prompt an almost instantaneous and often mindless action to quell the negative sensation, Eyal writes.

Attendees of the 2017 Habit Summit might have been surprised when Eyal walked on stage to announce that this years keynote speech was about something a little different. He wanted to address the growing concern that technological manipulation was somehow harmful or immoral. He told his audience that they should be careful not to abuse persuasive design, and wary of crossing a line into coercion.

But he was defensive of the techniques he teaches, and dismissive of those who compare tech addiction to drugs. Were not freebasing Facebook and injecting Instagram here, he said. He flashed up a slide of a shelf filled with sugary baked goods. Just as we shouldnt blame the baker for making such delicious treats, we cant blame tech makers for making their products so good we want to use them, he said. Of course thats what tech companies will do. And frankly: do we want it any other way?

Without irony, Eyal finished his talk with some personal tips for resisting the lure of technology. He told his audience he uses a Chrome extension, called DF YouTube, which scrubs out a lot of those external triggers he writes about in his book, and recommended an app called Pocket Points that rewards you for staying off your phone when you need to focus.

Finally, Eyal confided the lengths he goes to protect his own family. He has installed in his house an outlet timer connected to a router that cuts off access to the internet at a set time every day. The idea is to remember that we are not powerless, he said. We are in control.

But are we? If the people who built these technologies are taking such radical steps to wean themselves free, can the rest of us reasonably be expected to exercise our free will?

Not according to Tristan Harris, a 33-year-old former Google employee turned vocal critic of the tech industry. All of us are jacked into this system, he says. All of our minds can be hijacked. Our choices are not as free as we think they are.

Harris, who has been branded the closest thing Silicon Valley has to a conscience, insists that billions of people have little choice over whether they use these now ubiquitous technologies, and are largely unaware of the invisible ways in which a small number of people in Silicon Valley are shaping their lives.

A graduate of Stanford University, Harris studied under BJ Fogg, a behavioural psychologist revered in tech circles for mastering the ways technological design can be used to persuade people. Many of his students, including Eyal, have gone on to prosperous careers in Silicon Valley.

Tristan Harris, a former Google employee, is now a critic of the tech industry: Our choices are not as free as we think they are. Photograph: Robert Gumpert for the Guardian

Harris is the student who went rogue; a whistleblower of sorts, he is lifting the curtain on the vast powers accumulated by technology companies and the ways they are using that influence. A handful of people, working at a handful of technology companies, through their choices will steer what a billion people are thinking today, he said at a recent TED talk in Vancouver.

I dont know a more urgent problem than this, Harris says. Its changing our democracy, and its changing our ability to have the conversations and relationships that we want with each other. Harris went public giving talks, writing papers, meeting lawmakers and campaigning for reform after three years struggling to effect change inside Googles Mountain View headquarters.

It all began in 2013, when he was working as a product manager at Google, and circulated a thought-provoking memo, A Call To Minimise Distraction & Respect Users Attention, to 10 close colleagues. It struck a chord, spreading to some 5,000 Google employees, including senior executives who rewarded Harris with an impressive-sounding new job: he was to be Googles in-house design ethicist and product philosopher.

Looking back, Harris sees that he was promoted into a marginal role. I didnt have a social support structure at all, he says. Still, he adds: I got to sit in a corner and think and read and understand.

He explored how LinkedIn exploits a need for social reciprocity to widen its network; how YouTube and Netflix autoplay videos and next episodes, depriving users of a choice about whether or not they want to keep watching; how Snapchat created its addictive Snapstreaks feature, encouraging near-constant communication between its mostly teenage users.

The techniques these companies use are not always generic: they can be algorithmically tailored to each person. An internal Facebook report leaked this year, for example, revealed that the company can identify when teens feel insecure, worthless and need a confidence boost. Such granular information, Harris adds, is a perfect model of what buttons you can push in a particular person.

Tech companies can exploit such vulnerabilities to keep people hooked; manipulating, for example, when people receive likes for their posts, ensuring they arrive when an individual is likely to feel vulnerable, or in need of approval, or maybe just bored. And the very same techniques can be sold to the highest bidder. Theres no ethics, he says. A company paying Facebook to use its levers of persuasion could be a car business targeting tailored advertisements to different types of users who want a new vehicle. Or it could be a Moscow-based troll farm seeking to turn voters in a swing county in Wisconsin.

Harris believes that tech companies never deliberately set out to make their products addictive. They were responding to the incentives of an advertising economy, experimenting with techniques that might capture peoples attention, even stumbling across highly effective design by accident.

A friend at Facebook told Harris that designers initially decided the notification icon, which alerts people to new activity such as friend requests or likes, should be blue. It fit Facebooks style and, the thinking went, would appear subtle and innocuous. But no one used it, Harris says. Then they switched it to red and of course everyone used it.

Facebooks headquarters in Menlo Park, California. The companys famous likes feature has been described by its creator as bright dings of pseudo-pleasure. Photograph: Bloomberg/Bloomberg via Getty Images

That red icon is now everywhere. When smartphone users glance at their phones, dozens or hundreds of times a day, they are confronted with small red dots beside their apps, pleading to be tapped. Red is a trigger colour, Harris says. Thats why it is used as an alarm signal.

The most seductive design, Harris explains, exploits the same psychological susceptibility that makes gambling so compulsive: variable rewards. When we tap those apps with red icons, we dont know whether well discover an interesting email, an avalanche of likes, or nothing at all. It is the possibility of disappointment that makes it so compulsive.

Its this that explains how the pull-to-refresh mechanism, whereby users swipe down, pause and wait to see what content appears, rapidly became one of the most addictive and ubiquitous design features in modern technology. Each time youre swiping down, its like a slot machine, Harris says. You dont know whats coming next. Sometimes its a beautiful photo. Sometimes its just an ad.

The designer who created the pull-to-refresh mechanism, first used to update Twitter feeds, is Loren Brichter, widely admired in the app-building community for his sleek and intuitive designs.

Now 32, Brichter says he never intended the design to be addictive but would not dispute the slot machine comparison. I agree 100%, he says. I have two kids now and I regret every minute that Im not paying attention to them because my smartphone has sucked me in.

Brichter created the feature in 2009 for Tweetie, his startup, mainly because he could not find anywhere to fit the refresh button on his app. Holding and dragging down the feed to update seemed at the time nothing more than a cute and clever fix. Twitter acquired Tweetie the following year, integrating pull-to-refresh into its own app.

Since then the design has become one of the most widely emulated features in apps; the downward-pull action is, for hundreds of millions of people, as intuitive as scratching an itch.

Brichter says he is puzzled by the longevity of the feature. In an era of push notification technology, apps can automatically update content without being nudged by the user. It could easily retire, he says. Instead it appears to serve a psychological function: after all, slot machines would be far less addictive if gamblers didnt get to pull the lever themselves. Brichter prefers another comparison: that it is like the redundant close door button in some elevators with automatically closing doors. People just like to push it.

All of which has left Brichter, who has put his design work on the backburner while he focuses on building a house in New Jersey, questioning his legacy. Ive spent many hours and weeks and months and years thinking about whether anything Ive done has made a net positive impact on society or humanity at all, he says. He has blocked certain websites, turned off push notifications, restricted his use of the Telegram app to message only with his wife and two close friends, and tried to wean himself off Twitter. I still waste time on it, he confesses, just reading stupid news I already know about. He charges his phone in the kitchen, plugging it in at 7pm and not touching it until the next morning.

Smartphones are useful tools, he says. But theyre addictive. Pull-to-refresh is addictive. Twitter is addictive. These are not good things. When I was working on them, it was not something I was mature enough to think about. Im not saying Im mature now, but Im a little bit more mature, and I regret the downsides.

Not everyone in his field appears racked with guilt. The two inventors listed on Apples patent for managing notification connections and displaying icon badges are Justin Santamaria and Chris Marcellino. Both were in their early 20s when they were hired by Apple to work on the iPhone. As engineers, they worked on the behind-the-scenes plumbing for push-notification technology, introduced in 2009 to enable real-time alerts and updates to hundreds of thousands of third-party app developers. It was a revolutionary change, providing the infrastructure for so many experiences that now form a part of peoples daily lives, from ordering an Uber to making a Skype call to receiving breaking news updates.

Loren Brichter, who in 2009 designed the pull-to-refresh feature now used by many apps, on the site of the home hes building in New Jersey: Smartphones are useful tools, but theyre addictive I regret the downsides. Photograph: Tim Knox for the Guardian

But notification technology also enabled a hundred unsolicited interruptions into millions of lives, accelerating the arms race for peoples attention. Santamaria, 36, who now runs a startup after a stint as the head of mobile at Airbnb, says the technology he developed at Apple was not inherently good or bad. This is a larger discussion for society, he says. Is it OK to shut off my phone when I leave work? Is it OK if I dont get right back to you? Is it OK that Im not liking everything that goes through my Instagram screen?

His then colleague, Marcellino, agrees. Honestly, at no point was I sitting there thinking: lets hook people, he says. It was all about the positives: these apps connect people, they have all these uses ESPN telling you the game has ended, or WhatsApp giving you a message for free from your family member in Iran who doesnt have a message plan.

A few years ago Marcellino, 33, left the Bay Area, and is now in the final stages of retraining to be a neurosurgeon. He stresses he is no expert on addiction, but says he has picked up enough in his medical training to know that technologies can affect the same neurological pathways as gambling and drug use. These are the same circuits that make people seek out food, comfort, heat, sex, he says.

All of it, he says, is reward-based behaviour that activates the brains dopamine pathways. He sometimes finds himself clicking on the red icons beside his apps to make them go away, but is conflicted about the ethics of exploiting peoples psychological vulnerabilities. It is not inherently evil to bring people back to your product, he says. Its capitalism.

That, perhaps, is the problem. Roger McNamee, a venture capitalist who benefited from hugely profitable investments in Google and Facebook, has grown disenchanted with both companies, arguing that their early missions have been distorted by the fortunes they have been able to earn through advertising.

He identifies the advent of the smartphone as a turning point, raising the stakes in an arms race for peoples attention. Facebook and Google assert with merit that they are giving users what they want, McNamee says. The same can be said about tobacco companies and drug dealers.

That would be a remarkable assertion for any early investor in Silicon Valleys most profitable behemoths. But McNamee, 61, is more than an arms-length money man. Once an adviser to Mark Zuckerberg, 10 years ago McNamee introduced the Facebook CEO to his friend, Sheryl Sandberg, then a Google executive who had overseen the companys advertising efforts. Sandberg, of course, became chief operating officer at Facebook, transforming the social network into another advertising heavyweight.

McNamee chooses his words carefully. The people who run Facebook and Google are good people, whose well-intentioned strategies have led to horrific unintended consequences, he says. The problem is that there is nothing the companies can do to address the harm unless they abandon their current advertising models.

Googles headquarters in Silicon Valley. One venture capitalist believes that, despite an appetite for regulation, some tech companies may already be too big to control: The EU recently penalised Google $2.42bn for anti-monopoly violations, and Googles shareholders just shrugged. Photograph: Ramin Talaie for the Guardian

But how can Google and Facebook be forced to abandon the business models that have transformed them into two of the most profitable companies on the planet?

McNamee believes the companies he invested in should be subjected to greater regulation, including new anti-monopoly rules. In Washington, there is growing appetite, on both sides of the political divide, to rein in Silicon Valley. But McNamee worries the behemoths he helped build may already be too big to curtail. The EU recently penalised Google $2.42bn for anti-monopoly violations, and Googles shareholders just shrugged, he says.

Rosenstein, the Facebook like co-creator, believes there may be a case for state regulation of psychologically manipulative advertising, saying the moral impetus is comparable to taking action against fossil fuel or tobacco companies. If we only care about profit maximisation, he says, we will go rapidly into dystopia.

James Williams does not believe talk of dystopia is far-fetched. The ex-Google strategist who built the metrics system for the companys global search advertising business, he has had a front-row view of an industry he describes as the largest, most standardised and most centralised form of attentional control in human history.

Williams, 35, left Google last year, and is on the cusp of completing a PhD at Oxford University exploring the ethics of persuasive design. It is a journey that has led him to question whether democracy can survive the new technological age.

He says his epiphany came a few years ago, when he noticed he was surrounded by technology that was inhibiting him from concentrating on the things he wanted to focus on. It was that kind of individual, existential realisation: whats going on? he says. Isnt technology supposed to be doing the complete opposite of this?

That discomfort was compounded during a moment at work, when he glanced at one of Googles dashboards, a multicoloured display showing how much of peoples attention the company had commandeered for advertisers. I realised: this is literally a million people that weve sort of nudged or persuaded to do this thing that they werent going to otherwise do, he recalls.

He embarked on several years of independent research, much of it conducted while working part-time at Google. About 18 months in, he saw the Google memo circulated by Harris and the pair became allies, struggling to bring about change from within.

Williams and Harris left Google around the same time, and co-founded an advocacy group, Time Well Spent, that seeks to build public momentum for a change in the way big tech companies think about design. Williams finds it hard to comprehend why this issue is not on the front page of every newspaper every day.

Eighty-seven percent of people wake up and go to sleep with their smartphones, he says. The entire world now has a new prism through which to understand politics, and Williams worries the consequences are profound.

The same forces that led tech firms to hook users with design tricks, he says, also encourage those companies to depict the world in a way that makes for compulsive, irresistible viewing. The attention economy incentivises the design of technologies that grab our attention, he says. In so doing, it privileges our impulses over our intentions.

That means privileging what is sensational over what is nuanced, appealing to emotion, anger and outrage. The news media is increasingly working in service to tech companies, Williams adds, and must play by the rules of the attention economy to sensationalise, bait and entertain in order to survive.

Tech and the rise of Trump: as the internet designs itself around holding our attention, politics and the media has become increasingly sensational. Photograph: John Locher/AP

In the wake of Donald Trumps stunning electoral victory, many were quick to question the role of so-called fake news on Facebook, Russian-created Twitter bots or the data-centric targeting efforts that companies such as Cambridge Analytica used to sway voters. But Williams sees those factors as symptoms of a deeper problem.

It is not just shady or bad actors who were exploiting the internet to change public opinion. The attention economy itself is set up to promote a phenomenon like Trump, who is masterly at grabbing and retaining the attention of supporters and critics alike, often by exploiting or creating outrage.

Williams was making this case before the president was elected. In a blog published a month before the US election, Williams sounded the alarm bell on an issue he argued was a far more consequential question than whether Trump reached the White House. The reality TV stars campaign, he said, had heralded a watershed in which the new, digitally supercharged dynamics of the attention economy have finally crossed a threshold and become manifest in the political realm.

Williams saw a similar dynamic unfold months earlier, during the Brexit campaign, when the attention economy appeared to him biased in favour of the emotional, identity-based case for the UK leaving the European Union. He stresses these dynamics are by no means isolated to the political right: they also play a role, he believes, in the unexpected popularity of leftwing politicians such as Bernie Sanders and Jeremy Corbyn, and the frequent outbreaks of internet outrage over issues that ignite fury among progressives.

All of which, Williams says, is not only distorting the way we view politics but, over time, may be changing the way we think, making us less rational and more impulsive. Weve habituated ourselves into a perpetual cognitive style of outrage, by internalising the dynamics of the medium, he says.

It is against this political backdrop that Williams argues the fixation in recent years with the surveillance state fictionalised by George Orwell may have been misplaced. It was another English science fiction writer, Aldous Huxley, who provided the more prescient observation when he warned that Orwellian-style coercion was less of a threat to democracy than the more subtle power of psychological manipulation, and mans almost infinite appetite for distractions.

Since the US election, Williams has explored another dimension to todays brave new world. If the attention economy erodes our ability to remember, to reason, to make decisions for ourselves faculties that are essential to self-governance what hope is there for democracy itself?

The dynamics of the attention economy are structurally set up to undermine the human will, he says. If politics is an expression of our human will, on individual and collective levels, then the attention economy is directly undermining the assumptions that democracy rests on. If Apple, Facebook, Google, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat are gradually chipping away at our ability to control our own minds, could there come a point, I ask, at which democracy no longer functions?

Will we be able to recognise it, if and when it happens? Williams replies. And if we cant, then how do we know it hasnt happened already?

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1,001 Phrases That Would Turn Women On If Men Actually Said Them

Getting a girl horny isn’t complicated. Men just think that it is, because they don’t say the right things at the right time. They need to mix some sentimentality in with their sexuality.

God & Man
  1. I’m going to go down on you, and I won’t even let you think about returning the favor.
  2. I cleaned the kitchen today, so I’d have room to fuck you on the table.
  3. Your ass looks just as amazing in those sweatpants as it does in your little black dress.
  4. I love playing with your hair… And your pussy.
  5. Do you want a back massage, a foot massage, or both?
  6. I’d put on music, but I don’t want to drown out the sounds of your sexy little moans.
  7. Don’t stop me once you come, because I’m planning on giving you multiple orgasms today.
  8. I bought you a new vibrator so I can thrust and play with your clit at the same time.
  9. Do you care if my tongue is between your legs when you wake up in the morning?
  10. Your mind is just as sexy as your tight little body.
  11. I can’t decide if your tits or your pussy is more delicious. Give me another taste.
  12. I bought some handcuffs and a blindfold. Should I put them on you or me?
  13. I baked you some dessert, so you can eat it while I eat you.
  14. Do you want to have sex in bed or in the bath I just made you?
  15. I had a hard-on all day, because I couldn’t stop thinking of that beautiful face.
  16. Your laugh turns me on even more than your tits do.
  17. I stuck your clothes in the washer, and now I’m going to fuck you on top of it.
  18. I’ve never gotten so horny just by kissing someone.
  19. Do you want me to wake you up with breakfast in bed or oral?
  20. I tidied up the bedroom, but I don’t mind if you mess up the sheets with me.
  21. I had to shut off my porn, because none of the girls in it were as attractive as you.
  22. I’ll do anything you want me to do, as long as you keep looking at me like that.
  23. Do you want me to use my British or Irish accent tonight?
  24. The feeling I get when you kiss me is even better than an orgasm.
  25. I never thought I’d have a woman this stunning sharing the bed with me.
  26. You deserve to relax, so I’m going to do all the work tonight.
  27. Put me out of my misery and open up those long legs for me.
  28. I’m dying to have sex with you, but you better cuddle me after.
  29. Try not to ruin your manicure when you dig those nails into my back.
  30. Want to bet on how many times I can make you orgasm in one night?
  31. I can’t believe I get to call your beautiful body mine.
  32. Let me show you how much I love you with my hips and lips.
  33. I’m never going to stop telling you how hot you are, so you better get used to it.
  34. We’re having sex in the car tonight, but you can pick where we park.
  35. Do you want me to wear my suit or leather jacket?
  36. Get on your back. I’ll take care of the rest.
  37. Are you ready for a Magic Mike style strip tease?
  38. I turned on Netflix for you, but you might have trouble concentrating while my tongue is circling your clit.
  39. Tell me what I should do to you, because you’re in charge tonight.
  40. I’ll put on any music you want, and then throw you into any position you want.
  41. I made us dessert, but I want to eat it off of you.
  42. Press those soft lips against every inch of my body.
  43. I’m going to remember this moment when I’m jacking off later.
  44. Your ass looks even sexier than the first time I saw it.
  45. I bought you a bottle of wine, but that’s not the only surprise I have in store for you.
  46. Get ready to be treated like the sexy, sultry woman you are.
  47. Let me dominate you, so you don’t have to do any thinking tonight.
  48. How can a woman be so adorable and sexy at the same time?
  49. I want to see how long we can foreplay for before we can’t take it anymore.
  50. I’m so lucky that the best sex I’ve ever had happens to be with the love of my life.
  51. I want to browse through a bookstore with you, and then fuck you against one of the shelves.
  52. I was just sucking on some ice cubes, but now there’s something else I want to suck on.
  53. I went grocery shopping, and I picked up some of that vodka that always gets you horny.
  54. I cancelled plans with the boys, because I couldn’t stop thinking about doing nasty things to my girl.
  55. Looking at you fully clothed gets me harder than when I’ve seen any other woman naked.
  56. Let’s go sit out under the stars while you sit on my head.
  57. I’m going to play the guitar for you, so you can see how well I use my fingers.
  58. Let’s see if I can make you come before the dinner I made you is done.
  59. I watered the plants for you. Now it’s your turn to get wet.
  60. I took your dog for a walk, but now I’m going to use the leash on you.
  61. It’s time for your massage. Don’t worry, it has a happy ending.
  62. I’m in the mood for a long drive where we blast music, talk about the universe, and bang in the back seat.
  63. I learned how to sew, so I can fix your skirt after I tear it off of you.
  64. I want to go down on you in the rain, so we both end up drenched.
  65. I may have sprinkled the bed with rose petals, but you’re still the most beautiful thing in it.
  66. Let’s have a picnic at the park, so we have a blanket to fuck on once we finish eating.
  67. I’m going to eat you out in every room of this house. Today.
  68. Don’t wear that uncomfortable bra today. I want to see those perky nipples through your shirt.
  69. Let’s go for a walk on the beach, and find the best spot to make love in the sand.
  70. I want to travel the world with you, so we can bang in every time zone.
  71. I’d scream out your name, but you’re so fucking hot that I can’t even remember my own.
  72. I want you to know I appreciate all the effort you put into your appearance.
  73. The best part about you sucking my cock is the way those stunning eyes look up at me.
  74. I bought us plane tickets to Paris. The catch is: We have to join the mile-high club.
  75. I’d bring you to a museum, but I know we won’t see anything as breathtaking as you.
  76. Do you want me to move my tongue up and down or in circles? Your choice.
  77. I just finished mowing the lawn, so now the grass is soft enough for us to fuck on.
  78. Your pussy alone is cuter than any painting I’ve ever seen.
  79. Stop being such a tease, unless you want me to slide my cock in you right here and now.
  80. You’re in charge of the TV remote tonight. But I’m in charge of your vibrator’s remote.
  81. I’m taking you on a shopping spree, and then screwing you in the fitting room.
  82. Let’s see how far we can go in the back of a movie theater.
  83. I love the curtains you picked out, but let’s take them down and fuck against the window tonight.
  84. I’m going to explode the second you wrap those beautiful lips around me.
  85. I never knew how intense sex could be until I met you and your pretty little pussy.
  86. Do you think I’m sneaky enough to slip into the woman’s restroom so we can fuck in the stall?
  87. I rented us a hotel room, so we could make love out on the balcony.
  88. The way you moan when I go down on you is hotter than having my own dick sucked.
  89. My boss just left. Want to fuck me on my work desk?
  90. I set up a video recorder, so we can relive this memory forever.
  91. You don’t need to lose weight, so skip the gym and let me do all the exercising.
  92. Your clit looks lonely. Let me fix that.
  93. Put on an outfit you don’t mind being ripped off of you.
  94. Those yoga pants make your ass look just as sexy as your thongs do.
  95. Lay down. Let me show you how much I love you.
  96. I’ve never felt skin this soft and smooth.
  97. I’m going to kiss you until you’re begging for the foreplay to end.
  98. We’re going to cuddle until it turns into sex.
  99. Every time I hear your voice, I get hornier.
  100. Do you want me to eat you out while you watch Supernatural or Sherlock?
  101. I bought you lingerie. Was hoping you’d model it for me.
  102. I wrote you a song, but the lyrics are a little raunchy.
  103. Our sex is better than porn, and our love story is better than any fairytale.
  104. I threw some logs on the fire, and now I’m going to throw you on the floor in front of it.
  105. Get naked, so I can sketch your flawless body.
  106. I’d tell you what I want to do to you, but it’s too naughty to say aloud.
  107. Tell me your kinkiest fantasy, so we can act it out tonight.
  108. I’m going to take you out for dinner, and play with your pussy under the table.
  109. I bought you red roses, but that’s not the only way I’m going to show you I love you.
  110. I downloaded your favorite rom-com, so we can recreate the love scene from it.
  111. Let’s dance like no one’s watching and then fuck like everyone’s watching.
  112. Just holding your hand makes me horny, because I know what those fingers can do.
  113. I made you a playlist of songs we should fuck to.
  114. I won you a stuffed animal, so I think I should get to stuff something into you.
  115. You look just as sexy when you wake up as you do after hours in front of the mirror.
  116. You look so good in that dress that I’m going to leave it on while I fuck you.
  117. I’ll give you a manicure if you promise to use those hands on me later tonight.
  118. I never want you to forget how sexy you are.
  119. Your kisses are more intoxicating than whiskey.
  120. Let’s sit outside and watch the sun go down while I go down on you.
  121. Your pussy is even more delicious than your lips.
  122. You’ve ruined me for sex with other women.
  123. How do you look so innocent, but act so naughty?
  124. Your sexy little moans are my favorite sounds.
  125. I swear I won’t stop until you orgasm.
  126. Bite down on my tie, so the neighbors don’t hear you moan.
  127. Somehow, your brain is even hotter than your body.
  128. You look even better in your work clothes than you look in your underwear.
  129. Want to trade an orgasm for an orgasm?
  130. Where do you want me to put my tongue first?
  131. We’re in an elevator alone. Are you up for the challenge?
  132. Check your phone. I sent you a text that I bet will get you wet.
  133. I’m going to turn you on, just by using my voice.
  134. Wear a skirt today, so I can fuck you without removing your clothes.
  135. I had a wet dream last night, and you played the starring role.
  136. Get on all fours. I’ll handle the rest.
  137. I’ve been working out, so I could fuck you while I’m standing.
  138. I’m going to start by kissing your hips, but you can pick where I finish.
  139. I bought a uniform, so you could ride me while I wear it.
  140. Take off from work tomorrow. You’ll be too sore to go in.
  141. I’ll buy you a new puppy, as long as you let me bang you doggie style tonight.
  142. That bra makes your tits look even more delicious than usual.
  143. Get in the shower and get your hands against the wall.
  144. I don’t know how you get my dick so hard just by looking at it.
  145. Do you want me to suck on an ice cube before I suck on your clit?
  146. You don’t need makeup. Your eyes are naturally gorgeous.
  147. I feel bad for your exes, because I know how much they must miss this tight little body.
  148. I’m going to do all the things your friends complain about their boyfriends never doing.
  149. I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue. Want to see what else it can do?
  150. Say my name. I love hearing it from the lips of an angel.
  151. If you think there’s even one thing wrong with your body, you’re out of your mind.
  152. When I’m inside of you, nothing else matters.
  153. What celebrity do you want me to role play as tonight? Take your pick.
  154. I took care of all of your chores. Now I’m going to take care of you.
  155. Don’t make me come too fast. I want to enjoy this moment for as long as possible.
  156. You’re too hot for Disney Channel, and too cute for porn.
  157. No one has ever made me come as fast or as hard as you have.
  158. I’m going to rub my cock against your clit until you come.
  159. Nothing makes me happier than making you wet.
  160. I would’ve made you coffee, but I figured oral would help you wake up faster.
  161. Let’s skip the gym and work off our calories in bed instead.
  162. Your boobs look even better out of your bra than they do in it.
  163. I put some whipped cream on your ice cream, but left enough to spray onto your tits.
  164. That belt looks cute on you. But it would be even cuter wrapped around your wrists.
  165. I can’t wait until that gorgeous dress is draped across my bedroom floor.
  166. Let’s find a drive-in movie, so we can make love while we watch.
  167. Let’s go ice skating. If you fall on your ass, I’ll kiss it until it’s better.
  168. Want to go horseback riding? You can ride me, afterward.
  169. I bought us concert tickets, so we can kiss in front of your favorite band.
  170. Would you rather make out or make love? I’m up for both.
  171. Every little thing you do ends up turning me on.
  172. Let’s go dancing, so you can grind that big ass against my cock.
  173. We could go sightseeing, but I already know you’ll be the best sight I ever see.
  174. If you meet my parents tonight, I’ll reward you with an orgasm.
  175. Let’s play mini-golf. The loser has to give the winner oral.
  176. How many places at the mall do you think we can find to fuck in?
  177. I want to watch the sun rise with you, and then make love underneath it.
  178. Forget about everything except coming as hard as you can.
  179. What room should we have sex in first?
  180. Tonight, you’re coming at least three times. No exceptions.
  181. Let’s go to the amusement park. We’ll ride a roller coaster and then each other.
  182. What song should I serenade you with tonight?
  183. Let’s go down to the pond to feed the ducks. Then I’ll do a little eating myself.
  184. You’re on your period, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun in the shower.
  185. Let’s take a stroll through the park and find a secluded spot to fuck in.
  186. I’m going to take you to a carnival, and if I don’t win you a prize, I’ll give you something even more special tonight.
  187. I bought chocolate that we can either melt over strawberries or over your body.
  188. Tonight, I’m going to thank you for all of the blowjobs you’ve ever given me.
  189. We’re going on a cruise, so we can say we’ve fucked over the open ocean.
  190. Your nerdiness is such a turn on.
  191. How long do you think we can cuddle for before I get a boner?
  192. I love feeling your pussy throb after you orgasm.
  193. I know work has been stressful, so tonight is all about you.
  194. We should take a dance class, so we’re prepared for our wedding day.
  195. Tell me exactly what you need, because I’ll do anything for you.
  196. There’s nothing sexier than hearing you talk about the things you’re passionate about.
  197. I know it’s your period, so I bought you some chocolate and a new vibrator.
  198. I want to get an apartment with you and make love on the floor.
  199. I’m pretty sure my head belongs in between your legs.
  200. I booked us a couple’s massage, but I’ll be the one to give you a happy ending when you’re done.
  201. Show me how you touch yourself, so I can do it right.
  202. I love you, and I’m not just saying that because you’re sleeping with me.
  203. I bought you a new camera so we can film our own porno tonight.
  204. Do you want me to be a cop, fireman, or repairman tonight?
  205. I signed us up for a yoga class, just so I could see you in those tight pants.
  206. I love the feel of your naked body pressed up against mine.
  207. I installed a mirror on the ceiling, so you could watch yourself fuck me.
  208. I bought flavored lube, so I’ll taste as delicious for you as you taste for me.
  209. Where do you want me to come? It’s your decision, baby.
  210. I’m going to suck on your tits until you can’t take it anymore.
  211. I love touching you more than I love touching myself.
  212. Want to play some games at the arcade? Or should we stay home and play with each other?
  213. You always look the sexiest when you’re smiling.
  214. I’d take you to a burlesque show, but your skin is the only skin I want to see.
  215. Let’s make ice cream together and then make a baby together.
  216. I don’t need to drink tonight. You’re intoxicating enough.
  217. I’m tying your hands back, so you don’t have to do anything at all tonight.
  218. We should play pool and then fuck on the table.
  219. Do you mind if we attend a poetry reading so I can tell the world about you?
  220. I’d buy us drinks, but I don’t want your beautiful face to get blurry.
  221. Let’s have a movie marathon, and then make an R-rated movie of our own.
  222. Want to go for a late night drive and fuck wherever we end up?
  223. I rented a hotel room, so we can skinny dip in their pool.
  224. Check the clock. It’s time for your clothes to come off.
  225. I bought you an erotic novel so you’re always turned on before bed.
  226. Tell me when you’re ready for round two and I’ll get to work.
  227. If you bang me on the kitchen counter, I’ll clean up the mess.
  228. Don’t spend too much time on your hair, because I’m going to be yanking on it soon.
  229. Introducing myself to you was the best thing I’ve ever done.
  230. Let’s play strip poker, so I can see every inch of that flawless body.
  231. Would you be mad if I grabbed your ass in public?
  232. Let’s go strawberry picking and then feed them to each other in bed.
  233. Do you think we could have sex in the backyard without the neighbors seeing?
  234. I’m taking you to an art gallery, so you can see something as beautiful as you are.
  235. I want to make love to you underneath the stars tonight.
  236. My cell phone is off. Now I want your pants off.
  237. I’m going to do things to you I’ve never done to anyone else.
  238. Let’s take an R-rated selfie.
  239. I love running my rough hands over your soft skin.
  240. I planned out a romantic day for you and a sexy night.
  241. Every second spent with you makes me love you more.
  242. You can either wrap your legs around my head or your mouth around my cock.
  243. Do you want me to plant kisses on your neck or on your pussy?
  244. I bought a new cologne you’re going to go crazy over.
  245. Don’t fall asleep yet. We still have a long night ahead of us.
  246. I bought us some costumes. Want to try them on?
  247. I cut my beard just the way you like it.
  248. If you go down on me once, I’ll go down on you twice.
  249. Put on your favorite song and then fuck me to it.
  250. Do you want me to be gentle or rough?
  251. Everyone else is gone tonight, so you can be as loud as you want.
  252. I’m going to nibble on your neck now.
  253. Tell me what you want. I’m open to anything.
  254. Keep moaning. It sounds like heaven.
  255. I love feeling my cock inside of your pretty little pussy.
  256. That shirt makes your tits look amazing.
  257. I can’t stop thinking about how hot you looked last night.
  258. I want to keep the lights on, so I can see every inch of you.
  259. I want to run my tongue over your nipples, down your stomach, and onto your pussy.
  260. The face you make when you come is so sexy.
  261. My biggest fantasy was to fuck a girl like you.
  262. You got me all worked up, just by walking into the room.
  263. I’ve been daydreaming about your wet pussy all day.
  264. I don’t want to fuck you. I want to make love to you.
  265. Keep moving those hips. It’s sexy as fuck.
  266. Your beautiful body deserves the most earthshattering orgasms.
  267. I never realized how meaningful sex could be until we got together.
  268. You’re mine tonight, and that isn’t ever going to change.
  269. Help me put on the condom. I want to feel your hands over me.
  270. My body wants you as badly as my heart does.
  271. You have total and complete control over me.
  272. I can’t believe how wet you are already.
  273. I bought you handcuffs, so you can’t push my head away after I make you orgasm.
  274. If I serenade you, will you strip for me?
  275. I looked at your naughty pictures at work today, and I couldn’t get rid of my hard-on.
  276. You’re too flexible for your own good.
  277. Let’s fuck in the shower so it feels like we’re kissing in the rain.
  278. Your lips feel like fire against mine.
  279. Whisper in my ear again. I love that voice.
  280. Dig your nails deeper into my skin.
  281. I’m going to give you a lap dance you won’t ever forget.
  282. It’s so sexy when you arch your back like that.
  283. Give me your all, because I’m going to do the same.
  284. I installed a stripper pole in the room. Do you want to try first or should I?
  285. I’m going to tease your pussy with kisses.
  286. I want to rub this ice cube across your entire body.
  287. Bite down on my neck to keep from screaming.
  288. I’m going to run my tongue across those luscious lips.
  289. Want to play naked Twister?
  290. I bought edible body paint for you, so we can lick it off of each other.
  291. I don’t know if your hair or your skin is softer.
  292. I’m going to start by sucking on your lips, and then move on to your lower lips.
  293. Do you want me to give you tender kisses or passionate ones?
  294. I’m never going to get over the delicious scent of your pussy.
  295. Let’s build a pillow fort and than fuck underneath it.
  296. I want to bang you in the kitchen, so I can cook for you after we’re finished.
  297. How sexy would it be if I fucked you right now, in front of all these people?
  298. I’m going to give you a full body massage that ends between your legs.
  299. Are you ready for me to pull your hair and bite your neck?
  300. Get on top of me. This time, I’m giving the orders.
  301. I’m going to kiss your thighs until you’re begging for more.
  302. Which famous movie kiss do you want to recreate tonight?
  303. Don’t wear underwear. I want easy access to that tight pussy of yours.
  304. All I’m wearing is an apron. Come take a peek.
  305. I’m going to shove myself into you until the neighbors know my name.
  306. I cleaned out the closet, so we could have a quickie inside of it.
  307. Looking at someone so beautiful makes it hard to breathe.
  308. I don’t think you’ve ever made me this hard before.
  309. Your hot breath feels amazing against my skin.
  310. Let’s hop in the pool and see how long we can kiss underwater.
  311. The dishes are done. So is dinner. All I have left to do is you.
  312. I can tell you’re stressed. Let me fix that.
  313. You’re so much more than a sex object to me.
  314. Do you want me to slide into you now or should I play hard to get?
  315. I bet you can’t seduce me without removing your clothes.
  316. Kiss me like that again and I’ll go absolutely nuts.
  317. You’re as sexy as women come.
  318. It’s cold in here. We better snuggle to keep warm.
  319. I’m going to remove all of your clothes. With just my teeth.
  320. Masturbate for me.
  321. Get under the blanket with me. I have a surprise for you.
  322. Let’s slow dance, so I can feel your body pressed against mine.
  323. Are you feeling sore? I’ll rub the pain away.
  324. I want that beautiful pussy pressed against my face.
  325. If you suck on something of mine, I’ll suck on something of yours.
  326. Let me see you from behind. It’s a great view.
  327. I’m going to eat you out while you’re in the driver’s seat.
  328. Let’s put on a peep show for the neighbors.
  329. I picked up a copy of the Kamasutra. Which position do you want to try first?
  330. Let’s take a road trip and fuck every hundred miles.
  331. I want to try anal, but only if you want it as badly as I do.
  332. You look tired. You should sit on my face and relax.
  333. I bought lube, so you can feel as wet as you look.
  334. I want to watch porn with you, and then make a porno of our own.
  335. I’ve been flipping through Cosmo. I learned a few new moves for you.
  336. Scratch me harder. I can handle it.
  337. I’m going outside to wash the car. You should let me spray you, too.
  338. You’re even more adorable when you let your hair down like that.
  339. Let’s watch G-rated Disney movies while doing R-rated things.
  340. What would you do if I fingered you in the middle of the movie theater?
  341. Let’s walk through the woods and fuck like animals.
  342. If you suck my dick, I’ll suck on your tits.
  343. I feel selfish keeping you all to myself.
  344. Do you want to fuck in a hot shower or a cold one?
  345. Do you want me to put this vibrator against your clit or your nipples?
  346. I’m going to give you the best oral sex of your life.
  347. Should I use my tie on you as a blindfold or as handcuffs?
  348. You look sexiest when you walk around in my boxers.
  349. Stop moaning like that, or I’ll stick my cock in your mouth.
  350. Do you want me to run my hands through your hair or pull it?
  351. Everything on my bucket list involves fucking you.
  352. I bought you silk sheets, so sex would be more comfortable for you.
  353. I don’t want you. I need you.
  354. You bring out my animalistic side.
  355. A kiss from you means more than words can express.
  356. Do you want me to fuck you from the front or from behind?
  357. You’re my fetish.
  358. I don’t care about the big game. You’re more important to me.
  359. Even the way that you snore is a total turn-on for me.
  360. That new perfume makes me want to bend you over the bed.
  361. I made you a bath. Want to take it together?
  362. I want to stimulate you mentally and physically.
  363. I just put the kids to bed. Now I just have to get you in bed.
  364. Should I fuck you on the carpet or the hard wood floors?
  365. Every time I close my eyes, I see your beautiful body.
  366. You don’t have to say a word to turn me on.
  367. How does it feel when I touch you like this?
  368. Yank on my tie to pull me closer.
  369. I took a photo of you while you were sleeping. I hope you don’t mind.
  370. I missed you so much. I can’t count the number of times I masturbated to you.
  371. You make me feel like I’m stuck in a fairytale.
  372. You’re even more beautiful in person than in the picture in my mind.
  373. I want to run my hands over your hips and dig my nails into the bone.
  374. I want to taste every part of you.
  375. You look just as sexy in your pajamas as you do in your lingerie.
  376. Do you want me to bring you home flowers or chocolates?
  377. I’ll sing to you, but only if you pick the song.
  378. I want to fuck you in the sand in summer and in the snow in winter.
  379. I made a scavenger hunt for you. Hint: It ends in our bedroom.
  380. You should sleep naked tonight, so I can feel your soft skin against mine.
  381. No one could ever love your body as much as I do.
  382. Your cleavage makes your tits look fantastic.
  383. Do you like hearing me moan or hearing me talk dirty better?
  384. I want you to start kissing your favorite part of my body. Now.
  385. Do you want me to eat you out before or after you get in the bath I made you?
  386. Do you want me to role play as a man in the Navy, Air Force, or Marines?
  387. Whenever you touch me, it makes me believe in magic.
  388. Let’s make love on the roof top, so we can feel like people are watching.
  389. Do you want to touch me as badly as I want to touch you?
  390. Your ass is as tight as your pussy.
  391. Tell me which toy you want and I’ll buy it for you.
  392. Do you want to have sex before we fall asleep or as soon as we wake up?
  393. We should have sex in the craziest place we can think of.
  394. Whenever you cross my mind, I can’t stop touching myself.
  395. Do you want the lights on or off?
  396. You’re not only hot, but you’re adorable, too.
  397. Take that bra off. It must be uncomfortable.
  398. Do you want missionary or cowgirl tonight?
  399. Let me heat up your dinner and then heat you up after.
  400. Do you have any clue how sexy you look?
  401. Do you want me to wear boxers or briefs for you?
  402. Leave lipstick marks all across my chest.
  403. Grab a bottle of water, because I plan on tiring you out.
  404. Hop in the shower with me, so I can soap up your body.
  405. I’m going to give you everything I have to give.
  406. Get under the covers and watch Netflix with me.
  407. I’ll walk the dog if I can use his collar on you later.
  408. I made another tattoo appointment, since I know you find ink sexy.
  409. I made you a bath. How are you going to return the favor?
  410. What kind of sex do you think we’ll have on our honeymoon?
  411. Let’s hop on my motorcycle and find the most secluded spot we can.
  412. Get out of those clothes and under the covers.
  413. Look into my eyes while I fuck you.
  414. I made you breakfast in bed, and now I’ll be giving you oral in bed.
  415. Let’s pretend we’re teenagers again and make out under the bleachers.
  416. Should I put on my leather jacket or my leather pants?
  417. I rented a limo, so we can feel sophisticated while we fuck.
  418. Hop on the washing machine, so you’ll shake even more than usual.
  419. Let’s do yoga together. Naked.
  420. Should I use my hands or tongue to stimulate your clit tonight?
  421. Turn around. I want to see that beautiful butt.
  422. I bought us tickets to Disney, so we can have sex at the happiest place on Earth.
  423. Let’s fuck on the front lawn, so everyone can see how sexy you are.
  424. I’m going to make us orgasm at the same time tonight.
  425. I cleaned out the backseat of the car, so we have room to have some fun.
  426. Your body is perfect. Don’t ever change it.
  427. I bought new pillows, so you have something soft to scream into.
  428. Let’s have sex in the library to see how quiet we can be.
  429. Do you want to watch me lift weights or lift you?
  430. Do you think we could fuck while on my motorcycle?
  431. Skip the gym. We’re going to make each other sweat today.
  432. I want to fuck you in front of the mirror, so I can see two of you.
  433. I want to kiss you in a crowd, so everyone knows that you’re mine.
  434. My car has tinted windows. No one will be able to see us fucking when they walk by.
  435. Wrap those soft hands around my cock.
  436. If you go down on me, I’ll make it worth your while.
  437. Get in the hot tub with me, so we can heat things up.
  438. I never want to leave this bed, as long as you’re in it with me.
  439. Instead of lifting weights on that bench, we should make love on it.
  440. Let’s head to the park and have sex on the swing set.
  441. Which parking lot would be the most fun to fuck in?
  442. Do you think sex in a graveyard is creepy or romantic?
  443. I picked up a new dress for you, so you won’t get mad when I rip your other one apart.
  444. Let’s head down to the church and sin together.
  445. The kitchen is clean now, but it won’t be once I’m done with you.
  446. I hung your clothes up to dry, but it’s time for the ones you’re wearing to get wet.
  447. Let’s go for a hike and make love underneath a waterfall.
  448. Hop on the trampoline with me. I want to see those tits bounce.
  449. I bought you a new towel, you won’t get sand all over you when we fuck on the beach.
  450. I’m going to put Netflix on, and then try to turn you on.
  451. If you head over to the bedroom, I’ll put my head between your legs.
  452. I bought you a yoga mat, so I can watch you do downward facing dog.
  453. Let’s go camping, so we can make love underneath the stars.
  454. Go suit shopping with me, so we can fuck in the dressing room.
  455. I put up a hammock. Want to see if we can fuck in it?
  456. We should go bowling. Loser gives oral.
  457. The laundry room is empty. Let’s see how many washers we can use as vibrators.
  458. I want to treat you like a lady, but I also want to stuff my cock in your mouth.
  459. Let’s move this into the bedroom, shall we?
  460. Your brain makes you seem even more beautiful to me.
  461. You carry yourself like a goddess.
  462. This classroom’s empty. Come in so I can teach you a thing or two.
  463. Let’s play gynecologist.
  464. I love talking to you as much as I love touching you.
  465. Have you ever been mistaken for a model?
  466. Your smile can turn me on from across the room.
  467. I won’t be able to pay attention to the show when such a beautiful woman is sitting next to me.
  468. Your confidence is the sexiest thing about you.
  469. Kisses from you are the best part of my everyday.
  470. Let’s go bathing suit shopping, so you can model for me.
  471. My cock twitches every time I see you smile.
  472. You look just as sexy in my sweatshirt as you do naked.
  473. I want to drown in your love. And your pussy.
  474. Your passion makes the sex ten times hotter.
  475. The only girl I ever want to screw is you.
  476. You’re not chubby. You’re just plain beautiful.
  477. You might not be society’s version of perfect, but you’re my version of perfect.
  478. Being around someone as sexy as you makes me feel sexy, too.
  479. I love how well you move those hips.
  480. You’re just as good in the kitchen as you are in the bedroom.
  481. Somehow, you sound even hotter than you look.
  482. I planned out our entire day. It starts with us having sex.
  483. I can’t believe I’m so comfortable with a woman so hot.
  484. Sexy doesn’t even begin to describe you.
  485. Tell me what time you want to eat, and what time you want me to eat you.
  486. You have excellent taste. And you taste excellent.
  487. I’ve been working out, so I can fuck you for as long as you’d like.
  488. That dress looks incredible on you, but I still want it off you.
  489. You’re such a good girl, but I want to do such bad things to you.
  490. Your sense of humor is just as sexy as your fashion sense.
  491. I never liked my name until I heard you screaming it.
  492. I can’t decide if I prefer listening to you talk or listening to you moan.
  493. I hope you didn’t spend too much money on that outfit, because I’m going to rip it right off.
  494. Your long legs would look even nicer draped over my shoulders.
  495. I never knew what happiness tasted like until my tongue was on your clit.
  496. Your pussy smells just as delicious as it tastes.
  497. Your wish is my command.
  498. I’ll do whatever it takes to make your body tremble and your pussy drip.
  499. I can’t decide if I should kiss your forehead or slam you up against a wall.
  500. You deserve the best, and I’m going to give it to you.
  501. I like your personality just as much as I like your wet pussy.
  502. The gym won’t improve your body, because you’ve already reached perfection.
  503. Make beautiful babies with me.
  504. Your hair is as soft and smooth as your legs.
  505. You’d be the best mother and the best Victoria secret model.
  506. The only thing prettier than your outside is your inside.
  507. Your hair smells as good as your pussy tastes.
  508. I want to try to paint you, but I’d never do your beauty justice.
  509. I’ve been across the world, but you’re still the most breathtaking sight I’ve ever seen.
  510. Everything sounds sweeter when it comes from your lips.
  511. Those new heels make your butt look amazing.
  512. How do you manage to look more and more beautiful every morning?
  513. I bought you a diamond necklace, but I’m going to give you a pearl one later.
  514. My daydreams about you are better than any porno.
  515. Hearing you talk about your day is even sexier than dirty talking is.
  516. I bought you a bracelet, so your wrists can sparkle as much as your eyes do.
  517. Your lips feel as amazing against my neck as they do against my cock.
  518. Your heart is as warm as your body is.
  519. Your eyebrows look as perfect as your tits do.
  520. I’m going to nibble on your ear and then your neck.
  521. Do you want my tongue in your mouth or against your clit?
  522. Let’s get drunk on wine and talk about the universe.
  523. I want to make a bonfire, so you can eat s’mores while I eat you.
  524. We should ride bikes on the beach and then you can ride me back at home.
  525. Do you want me to play guitar or drums for you tonight?
  526. I made you a bath, but you better be willing to share the tub with me.
  527. Let’s shower together, so I can rub soap all over your juicy body.
  528. I’m going to make your nipples as hard as my dick.
  529. Your legs are as long as your eyelashes.
  530. I challenge you to a game of Monopoly. Winner consoles the loser with kisses.
  531. Let’s watch a baseball game and then fuck in the middle of the field.
  532. I’m taking you to an adult shop and letting you buy any toy you want.
  533. Get on your back, so I can get on my knees.
  534. Turn your head so I can see that ass and those eyes at the same time.
  535. Turn off the TV and let me turn you on.
  536. Whenever I hear your voice, I fall in love with you all over again.
  537. Your ass looks just as good in my boxers as it does in your thongs.
  538. I want to marry you, so I can fuck my best friend every single night.
  539. Let’s take a walk and talk about what our future apartment will look like.
  540. My life wouldn’t be the same without your pussy.
  541. Let’s watch the sunset together, so I can see two breathtaking things at once.
  542. I love that skirt on you. I hope the wind blows it up, so I get an even better view.
  543. Should I tell you how badly I want you in Italian or French?
  544. I signed us up for couple’s yoga, so we can both be more flexible in the bedroom.
  545. Your pussy is my favorite place in the whole world.
  546. I grabbed a coffee for you. And now I’m going to grab that ass.
  547. I’m going to buy us ice cream, and then run my cold tongue over your clit.
  548. Let’s name a star after us and then make love underneath it.
  549. We should take a walk through the woods and find a tree I can fuck you against.
  550. I never liked going down on girls until I tasted you.
  551. Open your legs. I’m going to lick away all of your problems.
  552. I’m going to hug you from behind and then bend you over a table.
  553. Do you want my hands, my tongue, or my cock in between your thighs?
  554. After I’m done playing with the puppy, I’m going to play with you.
  555. I can’t decide if I want to rip off your shirt or your skirt first.
  556. Put your hand in my hand and your lips on my neck.
  557. I’m taking you ice skating. Don’t worry, I’ll warm you up once we get home.
  558. Let me give you a manicure, so you don’t have to pay someone else to do it.
  559. I bought you a blindfold, so every time I touch you, it’ll feel intense.
  560. Let’s go camping, so we can make love in our sleeping bags.
  561. Should I get my next tattoo on my back or my chest?
  562. I’m going to make you scream so loudly the neighbors will call the cops.
  563. Your boobs are just perky as your butt.
  564. I’m never going to the strip club again, because your body’s the only one I want to see.
  565. You look stunning today. I need a picture of you.
  566. You look just as pretty without makeup as you do with your cat eyes and red lips.
  567. Forget 50 Shades of Grey. We’re going to have sex that would make for a way better story.
  568. I love how passionate you are. It makes the sex extra hot.
  569. I want you on top of me, so I can put those juicy breasts in my mouth.
  570. That dress makes your tits look delicious.
  571. I’m going down on you, and then I’m getting on top of you.
  572. Should I make you coffee or a mixed drink?
  573. You don’t have to shave. I like you just the way you are.
  574. I can’t believe I get to have you when every guy wants you.
  575. Guess what I’m about to do to that wet pussy of yours?
  576. If you want to invite another guy in bed with us, I won’t mind.
  577. I had a wet dream about you, and I’m about to turn it into a reality.
  578. I promise you I’ll never stop loving you the way you deserve to be loved.
  579. I got a new job with a new desk that I’m planning on banging you on.
  580. Do you want to watch me masturbate or can I watch you?
  581. You fuck even better than you kiss.
  582. Let’s go dancing, since I know how well you can move your hips.
  583. I set up a picnic for us. All you have to choose is the wine.
  584. Do you want to cuddle and then have sex or vice versa?
  585. Let’s go apple picking, and then we’ll pick out some new lingerie for you.
  586. I can’t love you any harder, but I’ll certainly fuck you harder.
  587. I don’t even care if I orgasm, as long as you do.
  588. Let’s play truth or dare, so I can make you take your clothes off.
  589. Don’t wear a bra today. Your boobs are perky enough without it.
  590. I’d ask you to role play, but you’re the only one I want to sleep with.
  591. There aren’t enough words in the English language to describe how hot you are.
  592. Walk in front of me, so I can watch my beautiful girlfriend’s beautiful ass.
  593. I’m taking you on a cruise, so we can bang on a boat.
  594. I sprinkled rose petals on the bed and placed candles all around the room. Just because I love you.
  595. I had an erection all day, because I kept thinking about seeing you.
  596. I could never get tired of your beauty.
  597. Don’t drink too much. I want you to remember what I do to you tonight.
  598. I’m paying for dinner, but you’re going to be my dessert when we get back home.
  599. After the zoo, we should go back home and fuck like animals.
  600. I’m taking you to the botanical gardens, so you can pick out what type of flowers you want for our future wedding.
  601. Your soft skin makes my dick so hard.
  602. You’re crazy if you think there’s a woman out there hotter than you.
  603. Should we fuck while the sun rises or sets?
  604. I’m taking you on a shopping spree. At Victoria’s Secret.
  605. I love the way you look at me when you’re turned on.
  606. I learned sign language, so I could tell you I loved you without saying a word.
  607. I never knew it was possible to love a woman’s brain as much as her body.
  608. I can tell you’re wet, just by the way you’re looking at me.
  609. I’m going to fuck you like a princess who’s been locked away for years.
  610. I’ll never get over the taste of your lips.
  611. I’m going to start by whispering your name, but I’ll finish by screaming it.
  612. I kicked my roommate out. Be as loud as you want.
  613. All I want to do is make you orgasm. Don’t disappoint me.
  614. If your knees aren’t shaking by the time I’m finished with you, I’ll just eat you out all over again.
  615. You know we’re going to have sex if you keep giving me that smirk, right?
  616. You’re either going to make my dick explode or my heart explode. I don’t know which.
  617. I’m the guy you’ll be fucking for the rest of your life, so you better enjoy it.
  618. Your hands can do what other girls’ mouths can’t.
  619. I never thought I had a foot fetish until I saw you in those sandals.
  620. I’m making you come. I don’t care if it takes five minutes or five hours.
  621. My cock needs your pussy more than my lungs need air.
  622. Close your mouth and open your legs.
  623. It’s time for you to forget about everything in the world except my tongue.
  624. I’ll unzip your dress if you unzip my jeans.
  625. That lipstick looks gorgeous. Give me a taste.
  626. I got a hot tub installed, just so I could see you walk around in that tiny bathing suit.
  627. I want to have angry sex, but I could never be mad at you.
  628. I’m going to fuck you so hard I’ll break the bed.
  629. I was going to buy you Starbucks, but I think morning sex will help you wake up better than coffee ever could.
  630. Want to have shower sex? You can choose the temperature.
  631. I’d talk dirty, but I don’t want to disrespect a princess.
  632. We’re proof that sex is best when love is involved.
  633. I have one thing on my mind. You.
  634. I’d ask you to 69, but I’d rather have tonight be all about you.
  635. My life would suck without you sucking me off.
  636. We should have sex under the Christmas tree, since you’re the best gift I’ve ever gotten.
  637. Let’s try having sex in the snow. You’re hot enough to melt it.
  638. I want to fuck you in my childhood bedroom, because you’re sexier than the posters on the wall.
  639. We’ll never get to have goodbye sex, because I’m never going to let you go.
  640. Let’s take a vacation somewhere we can drink everyday and fuck every night.
  641. Forget your bathing suit. I want you in your birthday suit.
  642. Run your hands through my hair and yank as hard as you can.
  643. Let’s see how many stores we can make-out in before the police get called.
  644. Tonight’s all about BDSM because I L-O-V-E you.
  645. We could have a quickie, but I’d rather give you the time and attention you deserve.
  646. I grew out my beard just the way you like it.
  647. Do you want me to sing you to sleep or seduce you with my guitar?
  648. I’m going to drive you across the country, so I can fuck you in every state.
  649. I keep falling for you and my dick keeps rising for you.
  650. Don’t let me fall asleep until we’re both satisfied.
  651. I want you to kiss me up my jawline and nibble on my ear.
  652. You’re a 10, based on your legs alone.
  653. How does it feel being the girl I’ll be spending the rest of my life with?
  654. You’re so far out of my league, it’s ridiculous.
  655. Let’s go to a bar and count how many men check you out.
  656. We’re going to have sex in every bathroom in this restaurant.
  657. You can’t expect me to keep my hands to myself when you look like that.
  658. Your vagina is a work of art.
  659. I don’t need alcohol, because I’m already drunk on your body.
  660. Hop in the back of my truck. That’s where we’re fucking tonight.
  661. If I die tonight, I’ll die happy.
  662. I came up with date ideas for every day of the week and sex ideas for every night of the week.
  663. Do you want to have a Netflix marathon or a sex marathon?
  664. Period sex can relieve cramps and headaches, so get those pants off.
  665. You get better in bed every time we do it.
  666. I bought us a new mattress, since we wore out the old one.
  667. If you keep fucking me this good, I’ll marry you.
  668. I put on my tightest jeans, so I could do a striptease for you.
  669. I’m going to tease you until you beg me to come inside you.
  670. Do you want me to make you come with my mouth, fingers, or dick?
  671. I want your pussy lips pressed up against my lips.
  672. Do whatever you want to me. I’m open to anything and everything.
  673. No talking. No moving. Just moaning.
  674. So what if it’s your period? Get in the shower with me and it’ll be just fine.
  675. I’m going to treat you like a princess today and like a porn star tonight.
  676. Do you want me to keep my suit on while you ride me?
  677. I’m going to kiss all of that lipstick off of you.
  678. Pick a movie you don’t mind fucking during.
  679. You stimulate my mind as well as you stimulate my body.
  680. I want you to run those pretty nails over my thighs.
  681. Even if I kissed you every hour of every day, it still wouldn’t be enough.
  682. My dick is addicted to you, but my heart is, too.
  683. I love when you shake your booty like that.
  684. You’re flexible enough to be a gymnast.
  685. I want to make your days sweeter and your nights wetter.
  686. You make me want to be a better lover.
  687. Let’s walk around a museum, and then use body paint to make our own portraits.
  688. You’re a great fuck, but you’re an even better friend.
  689. My favorite time of day is when we’re having sex or snuggling.
  690. Your feelings mean even more to me than your pussy does.
  691. I want to fuck you under the moonlight.
  692. You’re delicious, from your forehead down to your toes.
  693. We make the best team between the sheets and on the streets.
  694. Even without the sex, you’d still make my life better than it’s ever been.
  695. I’m going to teach you something new in bed tonight.
  696. I’m going to put you first in the bedroom and in life as a whole.
  697. You deserve an intense orgasm, and I’m going to give it to you.
  698. Never change a hair on this beautiful body.
  699. When I’m inside you, I feel like I’m finally where I’m meant to be.
  700. Your tits are almost more fun to play with than your pussy.
  701. I hope you don’t mind that I’m undressing you in my mind.
  702. You move your hips better than Beyonce.
  703. You look like a bombshell in that ball gown.
  704. How do you look that good this early in the morning?
  705. You deserve a break, so get on your back.
  706. We’re going on a road trip, so we can feel like the only two people left in the world.
  707. I’m glad we met, because I could never orgasm this hard without you.
  708. Keep your glasses on. I want you to see everything I’m about to do to you.
  709. My life started the moment I pressed my lips against yours.
  710. Your skin is as radiant as your smile.
  711. Even when you’re old and grey, you’ll still be the most beautiful woman around.
  712. I don’t want to ruin your lipstick, so I’ll be the one leaving kisses all over you.
  713. I love you more than I love sex.
  714. My bed is the most comfortable when you’re in it with me.
  715. Let’s watch Disney movies and cuddle.
  716. I can’t wait to fuck you in a wedding dress.
  717. Use those sparkling teeth to bite down on my neck.
  718. Give me a hickey, so everyone knows I’m yours.
  719. You look like you need a long, hot bath and then a long, hot dick.
  720. Take your clothes off. Leave the lights on.
  721. Your perfume alone turns me on.
  722. I want you in every way, everyday.
  723. I’m going to bend you over the balcony, so you have as nice of a view as I do.
  724. I picked up a copy of the Kama Sutra for us.
  725. Ride me while I suck on your tits and play with your clit.
  726. I can’t believe I found a girl who loves pizza, beer, and my body.
  727. You’ve had a long day. Fall asleep on my chest.
  728. I still can’t believe I get to start my mornings with you and end my days with you.
  729. If you keep sending me those dirty sexts during work, I’m going to quit so I can stay home with you.
  730. I could spend all day in this bed with you, even if we had to keep our clothes on.
  731. Everything on my bucket list involves you.
  732. You’re a sex goddess.
  733. I understand your body even better than my own.
  734. Do you want me to play with your pussy, your nipples, or your ass?
  735. You look ridiculously hot when you think no one’s paying attention.
  736. I washed the dishes for you, so you wouldn’t have anything to worry about while I go down on you.
  737. Press your chest against mine, so our hearts are as close as they can be.
  738. I’ll give you my all if you promise to do the same.
  739. I want to make you feel things you’ve never felt before.
  740. Do you think it’ll be harder to kiss underwater or have sex underwater?
  741. Let’s go horseback riding, and then fuck in the barn.
  742. Instead of having fun in our bed, let’s hop in my truck bed.
  743. I got my tongue pierced. I heard it makes oral more intense.
  744. I put down a blanket, so we can bang on the floor without hurting your back.
  745. I’m getting a tattoo in a place only you’ll be able to see.
  746. We’re having sex on the staircase, so I can penetrate you at the perfect angle.
  747. Run your tongue along my muscles.
  748. Your bitchy roommate’s gone. Let’s do it in her bed.
  749. I’m going to try something that’ll leave you breathless.
  750. Get undressed so I can paint you like one of Jack’s French girls.
  751. How romantic would it be to make love by a waterfall?
  752. I bought condoms. Your safety’s my first priority.
  753. Bend over with your hands against the window.
  754. I rented a limo, because you deserve a classy fuck.
  755. I picked up some tampons and a vibrator, so your period’s easier on you.
  756. Let’s have sex in the library and then read each other to sleep.
  757. I want sex to be comfortable for you, so I bought more lube.
  758. Get your ass on the washer, so you can feel your clit shake.
  759. I’m going on a search for your G-spot tonight.
  760. Would you be pissed if I felt you up in public? Or turned on?
  761. Do you want me to throw you on the bed or against the wall?
  762. Pull the car over. This is where I want you.
  763. How loud do you think we can get in the movie theater before someone else will hear?
  764. I’m going to get you off without laying a finger on you.
  765. Meet me on the roof. I set up a mattress for us.
  766. You just showered. Let me do all the work so you don’t have to take another one.
  767. I’m covered in grease from working on the car. Want to help me wash off?
  768. I bought you a ring, so the handprint on your ass isn’t the only way people know you’re taken.
  769. If I can’t have you in my bed, I at least need you in my arms.
  770. I’m going to tell you what to do. And you’re going to like it.
  771. I want more than a one-night stand. I want you. Forever.
  772. Our babies would be drop dead gorgeous.
  773. I love watching you squirm right before you come.
  774. I’m going to lick, suck, and nibble on your lips. Then I’ll do the same on your other lips.
  775. I just washed the sheets, so you can feel clean while we’re getting dirty.
  776. I put a mirror on the ceiling, so you can see how beautiful you look making love.
  777. Even in pajamas, you’re a temptress.
  778. If sex isn’t fun for the both of us, I’m not doing it right.
  779. Do you want your nipples covered in whipped cream or chocolate this time?
  780. Don’t be afraid to get rough with me. I like it that way.
  781. The reason the sex is so good is because I love you so much.
  782. Sex isn’t over when I come. It’s over when you come.
  783. Hold me close and kiss me hard.
  784. I’m going to make you forget all of your exes’ names.
  785. I installed better lights in here, so I could get a good look at every piece of you.
  786. I’m going to make you pancakes and then make you come.
  787. Do you want your morning coffee or morning oral first?
  788. If you’re not naked yet, you’re going to be soon.
  789. Fantasize about the hottest guy you know. I won’t mind.
  790. I’m going to rename your birthday “multiple orgasm day.”
  791. Tell me where to kiss you, lick you, and suck on you. You’re the boss.
  792. Your naked body is just as beautiful as your naked soul.
  793. You’re not a sex object. But you could be a sex symbol.
  794. When we’re done having sex, I’ll go pick up some Chipotle for you.
  795. Come in here, so you can come on my face.
  796. Mother Nature sure knew what she was doing when she made you.
  797. Fuck me as hard as you’ve been kissing me.
  798. I’m going to kiss every inch of your back while you dig your nails into mine.
  799. I won’t stop until I hit your G-spot.
  800. I want to have hot make-up sex, but I could never fight with you.
  801. Your mind is even brighter than your eyes.
  802. I don’t even need to touch your body. I’m happy just admiring it from afar.
  803. Let’s play strip Scrabble.
  804. Wear your favorite skirt today, so we can have a quickie in the park.
  805. Forget kissing in the rain. Let’s try fucking in the rain.
  806. I’ve been eating better, so I taste good for you down there.
  807. Sit on my face or on my cock.
  808. If you keep your heels on, I’ll keep my suit on.
  809. That diamond necklace I bought you looks amazing in between your cleavage.
  810. The safe word is, “I love you.”
  811. I’ll put on my cop uniform if you let me handcuff you.
  812. I want to listen to you talk about your day, and then listen to you scream all night.
  813. I knitted you a blanket for us to fuck on.
  814. I cooked dinner for you and the hot guy I invited over for a threesome.
  815. I already made the bed, so let’s have sex on the couch instead.
  816. I dropped the kids off at their grandparents’ place, so we’d have the house to ourselves.
  817. I can’t decide if I should grab your hand or grab your ass.
  818. You’re about to have the strongest orgasm of your life. That’s a promise.
  819. Flip onto your stomach. It’s massage time.
  820. We should talk a jog around the block, and then help each other clean off in the shower.
  821. Your cooking is just as delicious as your pussy.
  822. I finished your chores for the day. Now you have extra time to spend in bed.
  823. Somehow, you look beautiful and sexy at the same time.
  824. I baked you a chocolate cake, but I saved some of the icing to use on you.
  825. I just soaped up the dishes. Now I’m going to soap up your body.
  826. I just put gas in your car, so we can keep the radio on while we make love in the back seat.
  827. I love playing with your hair while I slide myself into your wet pussy.
  828. I organized your closet for you, so now there’s room in there for us to fuck.
  829. Take a nap. I’ll wake you up with my tongue.
  830. You don’t need blankets. My body will keep you warm.
  831. I bought you roses. If you want, we can sprinkle the petals over our bed.
  832. I’m turning my computer off, so my whole focus can be on turning you on.
  833. Let’s cuddle, so I can feel that tight ass pressed up against me.
  834. I tidied up the kitchen table, so I’d have another place to toss you.
  835. I bought you new curtains, so the neighbors won’t see what I’m about to do to you.
  836. I went grocery shopping today. The fridge is filled with whipped cream and chocolate.
  837. I poured you a cup of water. You’ll need it when I’m done with you.
  838. I’ll paint your toes for you if you let me suck on them later.
  839. Put that erotic novel away. I’m going to put it to shame.
  840. I booked us a honeymoon suite, so we could make love in style.
  841. I cooked you breakfast. I hope it’s as tasty as you are.
  842. Do you want me to rub your feet or your clit?
  843. My credit card is all yours, as long as your body is all mine.
  844. I made you a bath and a drink to go with it.
  845. I just chewed your favorite gum, so my lips will taste as delicious as yours.
  846. Let’s slow dance without music, and then fuck with it.
  847. I’d take you for a long drive, but I’d rather pull you over to fuck you five minutes in.
  848. You make my life so easy, but my dick so hard.
  849. Want to try an experiment with mints, my tongue, and your vagina?
  850. You should sleep in today. I’ll take care of everything.
  851. Do you want me to sing the song I wrote you or read the poem I made you?
  852. I ordered us pizza. Now you get to order me around.
  853. Your snores are just as cute as your moans.
  854. I can’t find one flaw on that stunning face.
  855. You look like a goddess, even when you’ve just rolled out of bed.
  856. Don’t you dare put clothes on. The world deserves to see that beautiful body.
  857. Do you want me to give you a strip tease or a lap dance?
  858. You can hold the remote, as long as I can hold your other hand.
  859. You belong on a catwalk, along with all the other supermodels.
  860. Turn around, so I can kiss the nape of your neck and the small of your back.
  861. You’re even hotter than the girl of my dreams.
  862. I bought you a new throw pillow, so you have something to squeeze when you orgasm.
  863. Your heart is even bigger than your boobs.
  864. I don’t know which set of lips I like kissing more.
  865. I could fuck you forever, but I’ll settle for dating you forever.
  866. I love your makeup, but I love the face beneath it even more.
  867. I want my hand in your hand and my cock in you

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7 Corporate Mascots With Terrifying Implications

Like the sun, some beautiful things will hurt you if you stare at them for too long. Mascots, for example. They all have dark sides, and they’re not even hiding them; they just hope we’re too busy to think about them for too long. But I’ve got all the time in the world, baby, and you won’t believe what happens when you stare at a mascot for too long. You start to see things. Dark things.


The Hamburglar Is Eating Children

This all started when I fell down an internet rabbit hole one night and thought for a little bit too long about the Hamburglar, the thieving McDonald’s mascot. First off, a child who has to steal food to survive is not a whimsical mascot. That’s someone in the deepest throes of desperation. Can anyone just, like, give him a nibble of their Quarter Pounder? But wait, that’s not the dark part.

After some more thought, you realize that the Hamburglar, a character whose sole defining characteristic is that he steals hamburgers, exists in the same universe as Mayor McCheese and Officer Big Mac, both of whom have hamburgers for heads. So now the question you have to ask yourself is this: “Is the Hamburglar stealing people’s heads? Is he actually a Headburglar?”

Wait, if cheeseburgers and Big Macs are people, and the Hamburglar who’s eating them is a murderer, does that mean we should stop eating them too? If Mayor McCheese is a gigantic hamburger, does that mean we’re eating the children of his species? Yes. YES IT DOES. We’re EATING THE KIDS.

See the truth that you can’t unsee. It’s canon in the McDonald’s universe that hamburgers are children. They are talking, learning, sentient children, who are being slowly picked off by an evil clown … wait a second, this is starting to sound familiar. A town where children routinely disappear, while the mayor and law enforcement are no help. There’s a clown who’s taking the children away. IT and 1980s McDonald’s commercials have the same overarching plot. IT was written in 1986, right around the heyday of the McDonaldland commercials. So it’s official: IT was inspired by McDonald’s commercials. There is nothing more horrifying than those. Except …


Franken Berry Is The Result Of A Godless World

Obviously I’m not sugarcoating anything for you guys, so let me come right out and say that Franken Berry is a pile of stitched-together corpses that we use to sell cereal to children. We harness the powers of the dead to bring them one unhealthy breakfast after another.

But he’s not necessarily stitched-together corpses. He could be constructed from the corpses of some race of berry people. But we do see him get struck by lightning and come to life in his very first commercial appearance. So he was definitely dead at one point, and now he’s definitely alive again, and his sole purpose seems to be to get you to eat this cereal. And that sounds highly suspicious to me.

I’m not sure who thought what was originally an allegory for the horrendous repercussions of man playing God would make a great company spokescorpse, but I have to say, that person knew their shit. I feel morally obligated to eat Franken Berry now. For me, coming back from the dead would, I imagine, spark questions like “Who am I?” or “What is the meaning of life?” or “Do I deserve to exist in this state?” But I guess “Hey kid, let these sharp strawberry squares tear up your mouth!” is pretty important too. In it’s own way.


Snuggle Bear Is A Furry Pervert

When I was a kid, I was terrified of Snuggle Bear. I refused to go near piles of laundry for fear that he might be hiding in there. My mom tried to tell me he was a “good bear,” so I shouldn’t be afraid of him, but I feel like you shouldn’t try to guess a bear’s moral alignment. That’s literally the first rule of camping.

There’s no such thing as a good bear or a bad bear. There are just bears. They are animals, and you shouldn’t let them in your house, unless you’re also a bear. It will definitely poop in there, and probably also try to eat you. However, it’s hard to avoid a bear when it can apparently teleport into laundry piles, so that’s bad. Surprise! “There’s a bear in your laundry” is literally never a good surprise.

Then there’s the fact that he sneaks into people’s houses while they’re gone to sniff their laundry. Soooo he’s at least a little bit of a pervert, right? If anyone else does that, they are definitely a pervert. Why is it OK for Snuggle? Is it because he’s a bear? I don’t watch a lot of nature documentaries, but is that something bears do in the wild? Do they also send you weird DMs on Twitter and give hugs that last too long? I’m just trying to find the line when it comes to bear perversion.

Or is the Snuggle commercial making the point that bears are OK as long as they are perverts? They obviously can’t harm us, because they need us to create that yummy-smelling laundry they want to huff. So don’t forget, kids: If you see a bear in the woods, make sure it’s a pervert before you approach it.


Mrs. Butterworth Needs To Shut Up

Mrs. Butterworth is a pleasant-looking woman of syrup that might as well be your grandmother, if she was filled to the brain with syrup. And her ad campaign asks the question “What would you do if a tiny woman showed up in your kitchen and just begged you, absolutely begged you, to drink her blood?” What if she was all, “My blood is the tastiest blood in the world! Just try it! Try it once! Please, please drink my blood.”

Pinnacle Foods

OK, Mrs. Butterworth Corporation, you want to make your bottle look like a lady, and I get that. It’s kind of a cool-looking bottle. But I DO NOT want it to come alive and speak to me. Sometimes I like it when inanimate objects come to life. Toy Story is cute, but if Buzz were constantly begging Andy to put him in his mouth, it would be significantly less appealing.

If you go to YouTube and binge-watch Mrs. Butterworth commercials, which I did because again, so much time on my hands, you’ll start to feel like Mrs. Butterworth is a little bit full of herself. In her efforts to convince you to drink her blood, she just will not shut up about how thick and rich she is. I’ve got news for you, Mrs. Butterworth: There is only one thick rich woman whom literally everyone wants to see at breakfast and her name is Rihanna. So you can just chill.


Chuck E. Cheese Will Give You All Diseases

Why would I want to eat at a restaurant owned by a mouse? I don’t care how many skateboards Chuck E. Cheese rides; I’m not buying pizza from a rat, no matter how down with the rad kids he seems to be. I’ve worked in restaurants before. Every time I sit down to eat somewhere other than my own home, I’m actively suppressing an image of a kitchen full of Chuck E. Cheese’s bastard children Tony Hawking all over my food.

If eating out is difficult, eating at Chuck E. Cheese’s is impossible. I know 500 children have directly licked, snotted, or bled on every surface in that place. I’ve met children, and I know their ways. Then Chuck E. Cheese’s hangs a smiling mouse giving me a thumbs up over my table, as if to say, “I approve of how many of my little mouse babies scuttled all over you pizza!” That’s how the Bubonic plague was started, I’m pretty sure.

CEC Entertainment, Inc

Couldn’t they have chosen any other animal that enjoys the X-Games to be their mascot? Isn’t there any fun animal that doesn’t famously invade kitchens and give people leptospirosis? Here, Chuck E. Cheese’s, I’ll pick a new mascot for you. What’s the first sport that pops into my mind? Snowboarding! And the first animal? Filth! Oh shit, this is actually harder than it sounds.


Charlie The StarKist Tuna Has Earned A Glorious Death

Writing this article has taught me that we as a culture apparently have an insane hidden urge for our food to beg us to eat it. Charlie the StarKist Tuna mascot is a suicidal tuna who begs for death in every commercial. All that he wants is to be eaten. He has no other aim or goal in life. He tries and tries to prove to StarKist that he is worthy of consumption, but they will not allow him the sweet release of death.

With the heartless pragmatism only a large corporation could muster, StarKist denies him the death he so craves every time, and they do it with such joy. “Sorry Charlie,” they say. “We don’t want fish with good taste. We want fish who taste good.” HAHAHAHA, you bland asshole.

StarKist Tuna

How do they know what Charlie tastes like if they won’t give him the dignity of at least slicing off part of his side, mixing it with some mayo and onion, and tasting it like a true American? I don’t know about you, StarKist Tuna, but I believe in a country where everyone is given an equal opportunity to pursue their dreams. If Charlie wants to die by being shoved into a can of your fine tuna, I think you should at least give him a chance! Please join my letter-writing campaign to StarKist Tuna, asking them to show someone publicly killing and eating their mascot. It’s just the right thing to do.


The Pillsbury Doughboy Is A Valiant Anti-Hero

The Pillsbury Doughboy is made of dough, but he’s also a baker who tries to get you to eat things made from dough. He’s the Hannibal Lecter of mascots. Well, we never see him eat the product he advertises himself. That would be weird, as again, he’s made of dough. He can’t be a dough cannibal. So I guess he’s more like the Sweeney Todd of his universe. He just wants us to eat his people. I say this because he has a tiny chef hat and he’s occasionally seen assisting in baking, but why?

First of all, you should know his real name is “Poppin’ Fresh,” and he has a family. It’s a pretty large extended family which includes his wife Poppie, his grandfather Granpopper, and a son named Popper. Did the Arrested Development theme just start playing in anyone else’s head? That’s a lot of people depending on him. People he would have a strong urge to defend from, say, others who may want to consume their tasty dough bodies. Maybe Poppin’ Fresh is just doing what needs to be done to keep his family going?

In a mascot world of child thief clowns, reanimated berry corpses, and pervert bears, Poppin’ Fresh is actually kind of a Walter-White-esque antihero. Sure, he’s joyously feeding the flesh of his kind to others, but he’s doing it for his family, and you kind of have to love him for it. Also, sometimes his commercials say “wiener” a lot:

LOL, wiener

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For more, check out The 6 Most Clearly Disturbing Mascots in Marketing History and The 7 Most Terrifying Corporate Mascots of All-Time.

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Burger King goes after bullying in strange new ad

October is National Bullying Prevention Month, and Burger King is joining forces with to bring awareness to the cause with a new video advertisement.

The anti-bullying campaign, which the burger chain describes as “eye-opening” in a press release, “brings the issue even closer to home with an experience that took place in a Burger King restaurant.”

The campaign, known as “Bullying Junior,” begins with some upsetting personal shares from students, each of whom relays a time they were bullied. After every high schooler tells his or her story to the camera, an unsettling statistic flashes across the screen: “30 percent of student worldwide are bullied each year.”


Following the kids’ earnest confessions, the ad cuts to the inside of Burger King where an experiment of sorts is taking place: A bunch of bullies (who are paid actors) are bullying a high-school junior (also an actor) inside the Burger King. First they tease and push him, then they pour a drink on his food.

The bullied teen begs for them to stop while most of the customers in the store (not actors) can be seen ignoring what’s happening to the boy.

Then, the ad cuts to the inside of the Burger King’s kitchen, where a staffer (also an actor) is seen “bullying” a Whopper Jr. by punching and smashing it. This burger, and several just like it, are then served to unsuspecting Burger King customers. 

Once the customers receive their food, the video reports that “95 percent of the real-life customers reported the bullied Whopper Jr.” to the staff. However, that statistic is jarringly juxtaposed with the next on-screen message, which states that just “12 percent” of the customers stood up to the bullies on behalf of the young actor who was being mistreated.

The “shocking and not so shocking” outcome is that people are more interested in the meal — the one they paid for, and expected not to be trashed — than they were in the high schooler who was being bullied right in front of them, the press release says.


“We know that bullying takes on many forms, physical, verbal, relational and online. But the first step to putting an end to bullying is to take a stand against it,” said CEO and Founder of NO BULLY®, Nicholas Carlisle. “Our partnership with the BURGER KING® brand is an example of how brands can bring positive awareness to important issues. You have to start somewhere and they chose to start within.”

Burger King has also tackled the issue of bullying in the past, albeit from the other side.

Back in 2015, the chain ran a campaign in France encouraging customers to “make fun of people who don’t have a Burger King close to home.” Called “Whopper Provocation,” the campaign asked patrons to submit photos of themselves enjoying Burger King, which would be used in advertising materials in cities where there is no Burger King.

The 2015 ad also concluded with a voiceover asking, “It’s always fun to make fun of others, right?”

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These Are the Best Meals Under $40 in New York City

The 13th edition of Michelin’s Bib Gourmand guide for New York has been announced. The “cheap eats” version of the famous dining list describes 127 restaurants in the five boroughs, including 14 new spots this year.

The chief criterion for Bib Gourmand winners are that a meal for two courses plus dessert or wine can be had for $40 or less, tax and tip excluded. (Whether that’s accurate or not is another story.) Anonymous inspectors visit the restaurants to make their recommendations. This year, the number of new Bib Gourmands in New York equals the total number of Michelin-starred restaurants in Washington, D.C., in 2018.

Still, this number is smaller than last year’s New York Bib Gourmand list, which named 132 restaurants in its guide. In 2016, there were 133 restaurants that made the cut. That year, 27 new places were named.

This year’s additions include some newcomers: Star chef Enrique Olvera notably didn’t get a Michelin star for Cosme, his New York restaurant, or Pujol, his scene-defining spot in Mexico City. But his casual Mexican spot, Atla, made the Bib Gourmand list this year. And some are not new at all, such as Luzzo, the old-school pizza joint in the East Village.

Mexican food was big for the guide this year with such additions as El Molcajete and Patron in the Bronx, as well as Atla.

It’s a list dominated by Manhattan and Brooklyn, although 15 restaurants are named in Queens, seven in the Bronx, and three in Staten Island. The full list is below.

New York Michelin Bib Gourmand 2018

(An asterisk denotes a new entry. All neighborhoods are listed by their designation in the Michelin guide.)


al Bustan (Midtown East)
Angkor (Upper East Side)
*Atla (Greenwich and West Village)
Atoboy (Gramercy, Flatiron, and Union Square)
Baker & Co. (Greenwich and West Village)
Bar Primi (East Village)
Beyoglu (Upper East Side)

Cho Dang Gol (Midtown West)
Chomp Chomp (Greenwich and West Village)
*ChouChou (East Village)
Ciccio (SoHo and Nolita)
Congee Village (Lower East Side)
Cotenna (Greenwich and West Village)
Dim Sum Go Go (Chinatown and Little Italy)
DOMODOMO (Greenwich and West Village)
Don Antonio by Starita (Midtown West)
Donostia (East Village)
00 + Co (East Village)
El Parador (Midtown)
HanGawi (Midtown East)
*Hao Noodle & Tea (Greenwich and West Village)
Hecho en Dumbo (Greenwich and West Village)
Hide-Chan Ramen (Midtown East)
High Street on Hudson (Greenwich and West Village)
Hunan Bistro (East Village)
J.G. Melon (Upper East Side)
Jin Ramen (Harlem, Morningside, and Washington Heights)
J. Restaurant Chez Asta (Harlem, Morningside, and Washington Heights)

Katz’s (Lower East Side)
Khe-Yo (TriBeCa)
Kiin Thai (Greenwich and West Village)
Kiki’s (Lower East Side)
Kung Fu Little Steamed Buns Ramen (Midtown West)
Land of Plenty (Midtown East)
Larb Ubol (Midtown West)
Laut (Gramercy, Flatiron, and Union Square)
Lupa (Greenwich and West Village)
*Luzzo’s (East Village)
MáLà Project (East Village)
Mapo Tofu (Midtown East)
Miss Mamie’s Spoonbread Too (Upper West Side)
Momofuku Noodle Bar (East Village)
Momofuku Ssäm Bar (East Village)
Oso (Harlem, Morningside, and Washington Heights)
New Malaysia (Chinatown and Little Italy)
*Norma Gastronomia Siciliana (Midtown East)
Nyonya (Chinatown and Little Italy)
Pippali (Gramercy, Flatiron, and Union Square)
Prune (East Village)
Ribalta (Greenwich and West Village)
Rubirosa (SoHo and Nolita)
Russ & Daughters Cafe (Lower East Side)
San Matteo (Upper East Side)
Sip Sak (Midtown East)
Soba-Ya (East Village)
Somtum Der (East Village)
Spotted Pig (Greenwich and West Village)
Streetbird Rotisserie (Harlem, Morningside, and Washington Heights)
Supper (East Village)
Szechuan Gourmet (Midtown West)
Tertulia (Greenwich and West Village)
*Tfor (Greenwich and West Village)
Turkish Kitchen (Gramercy, Flatiron, and Union Square)
Uva (Upper East Side)
Zoma (Harlem, Morningside, and Washington Heights)


Achilles Heel, Williamsburg
*Alta Calidad, Park Slope
*Bunker (Fort Greene and Bushwick)
Buttermilk Channel (Downtown)
Chavela’s (Fort Greene and Bushwick)
East Harbor Seafood Palace (Sunset Park and Brighton Beach)
Egg (Williamsburg)
Falansai (Fort Greene and Bushwick)
Frankies 457 Spuntino (Downtown)
Freek’s Mill (Sunset Park and Brighton Beach)
Ganso Ramen (Downtown)
Gladys (Fort Greene and Bushwick)
Glasserie (Williamsburg)
Good Fork (Sunset Park and Brighton Beach)
Gran Eléctrica (Downtown)
Hometown Bar-B-Que (Sunset Park and Brighton Beach)
Kings County Imperial (Williamsburg)
Lea (Park Slope)

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Llama Inn (Williamsburg)
Mile End (Downtown)
*Miss Ada (Fort Greene and Bushwick)
Olmsted (Park Slope)
Paulie Gee’s (Williamsburg)
*Pok Pok Ny (Sunset Park and Brighton Beach)
Prime Meats (Downtown)
Purple Yam (Park Slope)
Rider (Williamsburg)
Roberta’s (Fort Greene and Bushwick)
Shalom Japan (Williamsburg)
Sottocasa (Downtown)
Speedy Romeo (Fort Greene and Bushwick)
Runner & Stone (Sunset Park and Brighton Beach)
Rye (Williamsburg)
Tanoreen (Sunset Park and Brighton Beach)
*21 Greenpoint (Williamsburg)
Vinegar Hill House (Downtown)
Xixa (Williamsburg)


Arharn Thai
Casa del Chef Bistro

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*Dumpling Galaxy
Gregory’s 26 Corner Taverna
Hahm Ji Bach
HinoMaru Ramen 
Hunan House
Hunan Kitchen 
Il Poeta
John Brown Smokehouse
Mu Ramen
Paet Rio
Sweet Yummy House
Tong Sam Gyup Goo Yi 
Uncle Zhou 

The Bronx

*El Molcajete 
Havana Café 
La Morada
Tra Di Noi 

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Zero Otto Nove

Staten Island

San Rasa

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    Solange Shades Magazine For Photoshopping Part Of Her Braided Hair OUT Of The Cover!

    Clearly the Evening Standard didn’t listen when

    Sharing a picture of the original ‘do, she posted:

    dtmh @eveningstandardmagazineA post shared by Solange (@saintrecords) on Oct 19, 2017 at 9:25am PDT

    The “dtmh” stands for her song Don’t Touch My Hair.

    And here is the cover Evening Standard went with:

    The 31-year-old actually explained to the mag, her braids hold a special meaning as an “act of beauty, an act of convenience and an act of tradition. Its own art form.”

    So, the irony became all too obvious when the creative forces decided to Photoshop her hair.

    Although, ES did keep the original look for the rest of the spread, which you can check out (below):


    [Image via Apega/WENN.]

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    The Latest: Maryland company ‘heartbroken’ over shooting

    The Latest on a shooting at an office park in northeastern Maryland (all times local):

    2:25 p.m.

    The owners of a granite business in Maryland where an employee shot and killed three of his co-workers say they are heartbroken at the loss of their employees.

    Ron Cherry, a lawyer representing Advanced Granite Solutions, read a statement Thursday from the owners outside the business where the shooting took place Wednesday. He said the owners are grieving and “trying to make sense of a senseless act.”

    Police say Radee Prince shot five of his co-workers, killing three and critically wounding two others. Radee was captured late Wednesday after a multi-state manhunt.

    The company has set up a page to raise donations for the victims and their families.


    9:40 a.m.

    The widow of a man killed in a workplace shooting in Maryland says her husband was so concerned about the gunman’s temperament that he brought it up in church prayer sessions.

    Fifty-three-year-old Bayarsaikhan Tudev (BYE’-er-sock-un TOO’-doov) is one of three people shot and killed Wednesday at a granite manufacturer in Harford County, Maryland. 

    Police said 37-year-old Radee Prince shot five co-workers Wednesday at Advanced Granite Solutions. He was captured after a 10-hour manhunt during which he also wounded an acquaintance in Wilmington, Delaware.

    Tudev’s widow, Gerelmaa Dolgorsuren, (geh-RIJJ’-meh (DULL-ger-sor-en) told The Associated Press on Thursday that her husband described multiple times how Prince was always angry.

    Tudev was a native of Mongolia who came to the U.S. in 2005. He and his wife settled in Arlington, Virginia, which has a large Mongolian-American community. 

    Dolgorsuren said her husband liked his job so much that he endured a regular commute of more than two hours. She said her husband always felt that he was living the American dream.


    9:15 a.m.

    A man accused of killing three of his co-workers at a Maryland granite company and wounding three other people has been arraigned in a Delaware court.

    Radee Prince was arraigned just after 8 a.m. Thursday. He is being held on $2.1 million cash bail.

    Prince is charged in Delaware with attempted murder, possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony and other weapons charges. Those charges relate to the shooting of an acquaintance Prince is accused of wounding at a used car lot in Wilmington after he allegedly shot five people at Advanced Granite Solutions in Edgewood, Maryland. Maryland police are expected to seek his return to that state to face charges in the workplace shooting. Two of Prince’s co-workers remain in critical condition.


    7:20 a.m.

    Two people who survived an office shooting in Maryland are still in critical condition.

    A spokeswoman says the two victims were still listed as critical Thursday morning at the University of Maryland R Adams Cowley Shock Trauma Center. She declined to release additional details on their injuries.

    The wounded victims were among five employees of a kitchen countertop company who authorities say were shot Wednesday by a co-worker. Three people died.

    Authorities conducted a massive manhunt for the suspect, Radee Prince, a 37-year-old machine operator at Advanced Granite Solutions. Police said Prince drove to Wilmington, Delaware, after the shooting and shot and wounded a man he had a “beef” with at a used car lot.

    Delaware police and federal agents arrested Prince late Wednesday.


    3:25 a.m.

    A multistate manhunt that kept the Mid-Atlantic region on alert for more than 10 hours ended when law enforcement officers on foot chased down a man they say shot six people, killing three, in two separate shootings.

    Police in Maryland and Delaware say 37-year-old Radee Prince shot five co-workers Wednesday at a granite company in Maryland, then drove to Wilmington, Delaware, and shot an acquaintance in the head. Wilmington Police Chief Robert Tracy says police and federal agents arrested Prince in Wilmington.

    Police say Prince killed three colleagues at the start of the workday at Advanced Granite Solutions in Edgewood, Maryland, and seriously wounded two others.

    Authorities say Prince then drove to a used car lot about 55 miles (90 kilometers) away in Wilmington and opened fire on a man. The man survived and identified Prince to police.

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    About 1 million Americans without running water. 3 million without power. This is life one month after Hurricane Maria.

    Puerto Rico (CNN)After Hurricane Maria toppled the bridge that connects him to the rest of civilization and ripped the roof and walls off his house here in the central mountains of Puerto Rico, Ramn Sostre raised a weathered American flag above the wreckage.

    It worked, if temporarily. Helicopters came. So did a tarp, food and bottled water.
    Yet little else has changed. His roof is still missing, as are some walls. He and his cat, Tipo, sleep in the kitchen. When the wind blows at night, rain soaks them. The power is out, as it is for roughly 3 million Puerto Ricans, or more than 80% of the island’s residents. More than a thirdof households in the US territory, including much of Sostre’s community, are without reliable drinking water at home. That’s roughly 1 million American citizens.
    One month after Hurricane Maria, these realities are starting to feel less like an emergency and more like the new way of life — a nightmarish loop that resets each day the sun rises.
    “You wake up and it’s this mess as far as the eye can see,” Sostre told me.

    Much of the island feels like it was hit by a storm yesterday

    The US government says it is committed to helping Puerto Rico but is confronted with challenging circumstances, including some roads that are narrow, muddied and impassable for large aid-delivery vehicles. There also are pre-existing problems with power and water systems. Puerto Rico is “an island sitting in the middle of an ocean … a very big ocean,” as President Donald Trump said on September 26, making Hurricane Maria more distant than two other recent storms that hit the US mainland, Hurricanes Harvey and Irma.
    After traveling the island for three days, however, and conducting interviews with residents and federal officials and experts, it’s clear the level of suffering is far outpacing relief.
      Much of the island feels as if it were hit by a storm yesterday, not one month ago. Mountains are covered in branchless trees, stuck in the dirt like the walking sticks of giants. Power lines are tangled about like spaghetti dropped from the sky. Sheet metal from roofs and fencing has been turned into floppy strips of chewing gum, scattered on the hills. Not only are people such as Sostre exposed to the elements, but supplies of clean drinking water are woefully inadequate and environmental health experts fear a public health emergency could be brewing.
      On Tuesday, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, or FEMA, said it had 1,700 personnel deployed in Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands, which also were hit by Hurricane Maria. Yet nearly 2,600 FEMA staff — about 900 more — remain deployed to Hurricane Harvey, nearly two months after that storm hit the Gulf Coast of the mainland United States.
      In their defense, FEMA officials point out also that 20,000 other federal staff and military have been deployed to respond to Hurricane Maria.
        “(P)lease understand that every disaster is different geographically and demographically and there is no point of comparison from one to the other. Numbers are a snapshot in time for any given day; it is like comparing apples to oranges,” FEMA said in an emailed statement. “Please note that numbers do not save or improve lives, missions and progress do; for example, (Texas) may need more people to support housing, while (Puerto Rico) may need more generators and poles to support the grid.”
        Others see it differently.
        “I thought we’d learned our lesson after (Hurricane) Katrina where the response was awful, both carelessly slow and incompetent,” said John Mutter, a professor at Columbia University and an expert in international disaster relief. “In Puerto Rico, it doesn’t look like we’ve learned anything at all — or we just don’t care.”

        ‘If I don’t drink water, I’m going to die’

        The situation is particularly bad when it comes to water.
        There are 3.4 million people in Puerto Rico, and about 35% of households were without access to safe drinking water as of Tuesday, according to government estimates. The World Health Organization says each person needs at least 2.5 liters per day for drinking alone, with a recommended daily allotment of up to 15 liters per dayincluding basic cooking and hygiene.
        Yet FEMA has provided 23.6 million liters — 6.2 million gallons — of bottled water and bulk water since the storm hit on September 20, said Justo Hernandez, FEMA’s deputy federal coordinating officer. That includes water delivered to hospitals and dialysis centers, he said.
        That’s only roughly 9% of the drinking water needs for the entire territory.
        It’s an even smaller fraction if you include basic cooking and hygiene needs.
          “The potential for cholera and diarrheal diseases is quite high” without bottled water, said Mutter, the disaster recovery expert at Columbia in New York, who recommended the WHO standard. “What you will get is contaminated wells and surface water. It’s a situation where you really should be drinking bottled water. If you can’t get bottled water … that’s trouble.”
          Volunteer groups and nonprofits also are helping with supplies. FEMA says it has distributed drinking-water purification tablets and deployed six mobile-filtration systems. And there are efforts to distribute water-purification tablets and to tell locals who can’t find bottled water either to boil the water or add bleach or water-purification tablets.
          But many residents remain desperate, week after week, for drinking water.
          Lines for water — potable or not — are long in many parts of the island. Rumors of contamination are rampant. Even as some taps turn back on, residents worry about drinking from faucets, which sputter and, in some locations, produce hazy liquid. Autoridad de Acueductos y Alcantarillados, the water utility in Puerto Rico, says on its website that residents should boil the water and add bleach even after service is restored.
            In Dorado, near the capital, San Juan, people are so desperate for water they’ve turned to a federal hazardous-waste site in search of something to drink. CNN has reported that people are breaking through a fence marked “danger” to pull water from a Superfund site in an area known to be contaminated with industrial chemicals linked to cancer. It’s unclear if the wells are unsafe for public health; the Environmental Protection Agency is conducting water tests on wells on the Superfund site.
            “If I don’t drink water, I’m going to die. So I might as well drink this water,” one resident said.

            ‘There is a public health crisis here’

            One afternoon, I met Wilfredo Santiago while he was collecting water from a spout along Highway 10. The area smelled something like a pet store, and Santiago told me there likely are dead squirrels, rats and horses in the hills.
            Santiago knows it may be unsafe, but his 9-year-old daughter bathed in the water stream while he filled up a number of plastic bottles with the liquid. A line of cars waited to do the same. He took the water home to an apartment complex in Utuado, an interior city. On the floor in the kitchen, there were 37 jugs of the stuff, bottled in containers meant for Sprite, Pepsi and cranberry juice. The family collects water from a gutter to flush the toilet. There’s no running water here, and bottled water is expensive and hard to come by, he told me. The grocery store in town had none. Deliveries to the area by government officials come infrequently, he said.
            Across the street is the municipal emergency management office, which helps distribute FEMA aid. Héctor Cruz Cruz, its director, told me everyone in that complex is fine — they all get bottled water delivered through the complex’s manager. He disputed the claims of Santiago and about a half-dozen of his neighbors who said they are short on water and often struggle to find it.
            “It’s dangerous,” Santiago told me, referring to drinking and bathing with water from the mountains, “but we have no choice.”
            All of this is concerning to public health experts.
            “Our biggest worry is that as people get desperate and sort of give up on safe water sources that they are going to rely on things like streams and pipes that just come out of a spring or a mountain,” said Erik Olson, head of the health program at the Natural Resources Defense Council, an environmental group. “It’s just really a desperate situation.”
            “There is a public health crisis here,” Catherine Kennedy, a vice president at National Nurses United, said from Puerto Rico. “They need water. And we haven’t seen much of FEMA.”

            ‘I step out of my bed and there’s water’

            Hernandez, the FEMA official, said this relief effort is “a marathon,” not a sprint.
            But President Donald Trump already is emphasizing the finite nature of federal attention.
            “We cannot keep FEMA, the Military & the First Responders, who have been amazing (under the most difficult circumstances) in P.R. forever!” Trump tweeted on October 12.
            Carmen Rivera Rodriguez, a 55-year-old resident of “P.R.,” didn’t see that tweet. She has heard next to nothing about Trump or the federal response to this storm. When we met outside a supermarket in Comerío, about 20 miles southeast of Sostre and his American flag, she told me she hasn’t even been able to reach her sonin the mainland United States because there’s virtually no cellular service here — 75% of antennas are down — and she doesn’t have a car.
            Rivera was wearing a cast on her left arm.
            She fell while trying to sweep rain out of her living room.
            That was October 11 — 21 days after the storm.
            Rivera invited me to her home, which is on a cleared and accessible road on the side of a mountain. When you step inside the house, your foot splashed in inch-deep water, sending ripples throughout the home across linoleum floors. This is what she was scraping with a squeegee when she slipped and fell. Her roof is gone, except for over the kitchen and a small garage, where she sleeps. And it rains most afternoons here, lately. “Just imagine. I step out of my bed and there’s water. I go to the bathroom and I have to bring an umbrella,” she said.
            The same week Trump visited Puerto Rico, throwing paper towels to hurricane victims on October 3, Rivera told me she heard a truck driving by her home with loudspeakers blaring what seemed like good news: US government workers would be in town tomorrow.
            The next morning, she said, she awoke at 4 and hitched a ride into the valley so she could apply for a tarp to stop it from raining indoors. Mold is growing on a baby picture of her now-grown son, which hangs on the plywood wall of her living room.
            Her right eye is pink and puffy, which she figures is a symptom of being damp for one month.
            She waited in line for hours and filled out a government form, she said.
            As of October 15, 25 days after the storm, the tarp hadn’t come.
            FEMA has distributed 38,000 tarps on the island, said Hernandez, the FEMA official.
            The need for roofing help is estimated at 60,000 homes, he said.

            ‘Soy americano’

            Puerto Rico is part of America and yet it isn’t.
            It’s a territory of the richest nation on Earth — a country founded in opposition to colonialism. It’s a place where the federal government oversees a financial crisis and controls certain aspects of commerce and shipping, but where Americans can’t cast ballots in presidential general elections, and where the island’s one representative in Congress can’t vote, either.
            Sostre, the man who was trapped on the other side of a broken bridge, was right to fly the Stars and Stripes above his home and to say, “Soy americano,” or “I’m an American.”
            Rivera, for her part, doesn’t think much about the politics.
            She only wants to stay safe and dry.
            Nights have been the hardest, she said as darkness fell over her neighborhood and the island’s coquí frogs began their electronic chorus. Rain splashed on the floor as she talked. The situation is so bad Rivera prays to God asking that if another storm comes, she won’t survive it.
            “I’m not ready to live through something like that again,” she said, crying.
            The truth is she’s still living it.

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